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Post by foreverzrose on Jun 10, 2022 9:13:38 GMT -5
I’m Muslim and I’ve been married to my husband (islamically) for a couple months now but we’ve been together a while. He has bought me many things unprompted, has spoiled me tons without me asking and I’m eternally grateful. A couple weeks ago we were shopping at the mall and he bought me a few items we agreed he’d get me for an event we were going to, and he spontaneously bought me new $170 shoes that we agreed I’d pay him back for when I got paid next. My living situation is tough and he knows that, we’re both young, i can’t quite move in with him yet and my family life is very complicated and tense so I live with my brother. I’ve had to help him pay for many things, I never get to save because I don’t work enough yet so the money I do get I have to use $60 of it every time to fill my bus card so that it lasts me the next two weeks. I also have to buy groceries, around $100.
I got paid this time less than I was expecting but the first thing I did when I woke up was send Him $120 which is really all I can afford right now— I told him I’d send him the remaining $50 as soon as I can so most likely my next paycheck. $120 was pushing it for me but I felt bad as I know he’s kind of in a tough spot right now (especially after spending so much on me our relationship and he’s trying to move out). He’s upset with me and I’m disappointed because I expected him to be more understanding. I know he kind of has trust issues since he’s been known to help everyone, with money, rides, e.t.c and he has a few friends who still have yet to pay him back a penny of the hundreds they owe (it’s been months). He’s very kind and has talked to me before about how he’s tired of being taken advantage of.
However in this situation I’m not taking advantage of him, I paid him a good amount of it— the most I can do right now, and I did it right away. His friends haven’t paid him a single thing yet. Another thing, I’m not just one of his friends I’m his wife, someone I’d expect he’d be more understanding with. Im not scamming him either I’m staying true to my word and I really am going to give him the remaining $50 as soon as I can. Now I’m conflicted between just sending him $50 I really cannot afford to send right now so he’s not upset anymore or holding my ground. Am I being fair or reasonable? Someone please help.
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Post by foreverzrose on Jun 10, 2022 9:15:17 GMT -5
Just to clarify, I’ve had to help my BROTHER pay for many things. Also, should I consider the fact that my husband has spent so much on me, so I should just give him the remaining money?
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Post by Ask Anon on Jun 11, 2022 3:53:58 GMT -5
we agreed I’d pay him back for when I got paid next $120 which is really all I can afford right now It's not about the money, it's about your word. You made an agreement with him, then, with no discussion, you broke it. Promising to pay the balance ASAP isn't the point; it would have been much better to contact him and explain the situation and ask for an extension. If you couldn't afford a bank loan repayment, you wouldn't just shrug and say things are a bit tight, I'll pay you soon. So you may not be taking advantage, but you are certainly taking him for granted. Maybe you shouldn't have made the agreement if money is tight? |
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Post by foreverzrose on Jun 12, 2022 0:33:50 GMT -5
we agreed I’d pay him back for when I got paid next $120 which is really all I can afford right now It's not about the money, it's about your word. You made an agreement with him, then, with no discussion, you broke it. Promising to pay the balance ASAP isn't the point; it would have been much better to contact him and explain the situation and ask for an extension. If you couldn't afford a bank loan repayment, you wouldn't just shrug and say things are a bit tight, I'll pay you soon. So you may not be taking advantage, but you are certainly taking him for granted. Maybe you shouldn't have made the agreement if money is tight? Well, firstly, it’s not just a bank loan repayment, our dynamic isn’t cold like that— I’m his WIFE. I’m not just a friend/bank teller who made an agreement with him. And as I said, I got paid less than what I expected — I didn’t make a promise KNOWING I’d get paid less than what I expected. I paid over half, he knows my Very tough situation, I have to feed me and my brother, this isn’t some formal contract I signed, we are married so naturally I’d expect my HUSBAND to have more understanding, empathy and exceptions for his wife.. I’m not taking him for granted at all of course I feel super guilty and I’m paying what I CAN but I have to survive too. I didn’t ask for the shoes, he said they’d be cute on me and that he’ll buy them for me and we both agreed I’d pay him back cause they were expensive. |
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Post by Ask Anon on Jun 12, 2022 2:50:55 GMT -5
But it isn't only about you, it's about him too.
When you give your word you should keep it, or take the consequences. You husband isn't rolling in money either, and surely you could have the decency to go to him and say there's a problem, not just say "I know I made a deal, but I'm your wife so it doesn't count, I'm not paying you" and expect him to do all the understanding.
Marriage means BOTH people have to be caring and honest, not just the husband.
But I wouldn't expect you to get that at all.
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Post by foreverzrose on Jun 12, 2022 7:59:32 GMT -5
But it isn't only about you, it's about him too. When you give your word you should keep it, or take the consequences. You husband isn't rolling in money either, and surely you could have the decency to go to him and say there's a problem, not just say "I know I made a deal, but I'm your wife so it doesn't count, I'm not paying you" and expect him to do all the understanding. Marriage means BOTH people have to be caring and honest, not just the husband. But I wouldn't expect you to get that at all. I did have that decency, I never said it coldly like your example, not sure where you gathered that. Here’s my exact message: “good morning my love, I know we agreed that I’d give you the $170 in full but I got paid less than I expected and I really need to pay for groceries, my bus card plus the $120 I sent. I’m really sorry, I’m gonna pay the $50 as soon as I can, $120 the best I can do right now I’m sorry I love you” And I even called him apologizing, apologized in person, of course I knew he was gonna be disappointed and I felt really bad, it’s not like I expect him to shut up and put up with it, but I don’t really understand actually getting mad at me, because consider the fact he never really said anything about how I’m struggling on my end, so did he really try to understand me either? Now I’m not sure what you mean by the last sentence because you’re acting as if you know me and I’m wondering if you’re projecting something at this point. I shower this man with love, gifts, and affection every single day and we’re both selfless as we can be to each other. Maybe I didn’t clarify our dynamic enough but we both are very understanding of each other, loving and caring, so that’s why I was a bit caught off guard this time. But nonetheless, thanks for your opinion, I’ll consider it anyways and I appreciate the different perspective. Thanks and have a great day, Alhamdullilah. |
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Post by Ask Anon on Jun 14, 2022 2:54:20 GMT -5
you’re acting as if you know me and I’m wondering if you’re projecting something at this point Nice one, but no. That's not how projection works! My comments are always directly linked to what you've said, as that's all I know about you. I can't respond to what you don't say, and it's interesting that your last post paints a very different picture compared with your first. But the one part of your story that is consistent is how you contrive to miss my key point: it's about keeping your word. As you know, if your finances are so knife-edge that you couldn't repay your debt, you could have foreseen that and declined the shoes. What's more important, shoes or trust? You marriage is going to be an interesting learning curve for you. Good Luck. |
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