Am I being unreasonable?

tiredmum
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Am I being unreasonable? Jan 27, 2022 19:26:54 GMT -5 via mobile

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Post by tiredmum on Jan 27, 2022 19:26:54 GMT -5

I'm going to start with a bit of back story... my fiancé *we'll call him james* proposed when I, was pregnant with our 2nd child in 2019. We decided to hold off with saving money towards the wedding because money was a bit tight and we had a baby on the way. Covid then happened and we wasn't still in a great place financially so we decided to wait till this year to start saving because, the car that he got through work, went back and we now have the money that he was paying monthly for the car play with...

Now for the am I being unreasonable part... James has family in Canada, we live in the UK, a distant family member of James's has said that he's going to Canada for a week to see this other family member and has asked James and his sister if they would like to come. He asked them this sometime beginning of January I believe... James is planning on going to Canada. Canada is going to cost around a £1000, money that would be very helpful when planning a wedding. I've asked is there a possibility that you could not go this time and maybe go next year when we've actually got somewhere with? And he's absolutely got his mind set on going this time with his other family members. I understand he wants to go, I would like to go to Canada too! But we've waited for three years to get to this point. To me it feels like the wedding isn't his priority. For the record, we don't want a massive wedding, we're trying to keeps cost as low as possible which is why having that extra 1k would help.

If I'm being absolutely unreasonable I'd rather know, I've got the implant in and it does mess with me. Any help/suggestions/advice would be amazing but please be nice... very emotional and depressed. Thank you for your time

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Am I being unreasonable? Jan 28, 2022 3:59:09 GMT -5

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Post by Ask Anon on Jan 28, 2022 3:59:09 GMT -5

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all, but I do think that yours and James' perspectives on weddings are very different.

There are, of course, exceptions, but I think I'm safe in generalising that men do not prioritise weddings. They just don't. And in your situation, already having two children, even less so.

But simultaneously, they do take marriage seriously: if you were married, I cannot imagine the invitation would not also extend to you.

I don't know enough about your relationship to advise on where you go from here: maybe a deal that if he goes to Canada, you get to open a savings account for the wedding that is either in your name, or requires two signatures to access.

Please don't reply with "Oh but he does prioritise it, he said so" - because if he said that, he probably lied, which is worse.

I feel your pain, I wish I had a better answer for you.

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abbs90
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Am I being unreasonable? Jan 28, 2022 6:27:55 GMT -5 via mobile

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Post by abbs90 on Jan 28, 2022 6:27:55 GMT -5

Hey tiredmum

I don't know if I am being biased here; covid stopped a lot of weddings and planning for everyone, but I saw you say James gave a car back to work if he isn't paying for the vehicle (and I'm ballparking a figure) is this a lot of money coming back?

I would be concerned that he hasn't invited you to go with him! Why can't he take you as well? And where will the kids be? I accept some holidays are not kid-appropriate, but you are an adult, and he can't just expect you to stay home with them while he goes away!

And for the £1k trip, why is he spending so much??? My husband and me went to Canada a few years ago, and it cost £1500, and looking now, different Canada locations flights are around 3/500 pounds, but I'm guessing he isn't booking a hotel and will be staying with family that brings it down so much.

As for being unreasonable, this is my personal opinion, me and my husband have a savings account we money in each month if James can figure out how to go while keeping with his saving commitments, it's like saving for a TV, a new car or golf clubs, he does that for himself outside what we agreed for each other, otherwise what's to stop him (my husband would do this to prove a point) from saying no to a hair cut that's 100£ or to a nice dinner out that will cost 100£ saying we have a wedding to save for.

Perhaps talk to him about why you can't go as well. 1000£ can be a lot of money, but if he is still putting his share of the wedding funds that you both know will give you the budget you want, why stop him doing that little extra to buy something. Would you be arguing if he gave you 1000£ to buy shoes, clothes, spa days, partying money?

I'm guessing he works full time, and you have the kids, which is why 1000£ seems like a lot, although can he reasonably make that money and save for a wedding together?

I noticed you also asked why he can't go next year, so I'm assuming the wedding is booked for 2023. If so, congratulations! But if your wedding isn't booked, what difference doesn't make going now or going next year? A challenging situation, but take away from this:

You expect XYZ put away each month for the wedding

Why can you not also go to canada?

Can you Canada canada instead of him (then ask why not, as you are family as well)

If not already booked, when will this wedding be and work out a realistic cost? A wedding can be cheap and unique or expensive and awful! Me, I did a registry office with our closest friends and family (maybe 30of us) but had a fabulous after-party with everyone and the best part, no restrictions on food providers DJ and we could bring our alcohol which made it more comfortable.

I hope it all works out for you xx

These forums are now closed, but the the archives of advice from 2004-2022 remain open and searchable

Post by tiredmum on Jan 27, 2022 19:26:54 GMT -5

Post by Ask Anon on Jan 28, 2022 3:59:09 GMT -5

Post by abbs90 on Jan 28, 2022 6:27:55 GMT -5