Post by blueelephant on Dec 22, 2021 19:02:00 GMT -5
friendship started and i felt we had similar values, which enneagram type 1s and 6s do, however as a Type 6, I value humour and light-heartedness. A is not very funny and is pretty uptight. she doesn't let loose, always has some sort of drama going on in her life, which is draining to listen to. she gives unsolicited advice and makes judgy, not thoughtful, not helpful comments, whereas I do not in response to her updates. i was the one that initiated the friendship. she is not a very personable person and not easy to have an honest, yet light-hearted conversation with. she is very poised, and has a pretty rough, polished attitude. cold would be the word to describe it.
things she does/did that has annoyed/caused me to be very upset
1. forgot my birthday, even though i was allegedly the only person who remembered her birthday, out of all her friends. i even sent her a present in the mail. I have spent from 7th grade to senior year coming to school having no one remembered my birthday. my locker was NEVER decorated. i have had some terrible birthdays. it hurts to not be remembered. and the fact that i knew how this felt and made sure to remember A's birthday, and she couldn't even do the same, even though she claims that that had happened to her over the summer, also, hurts even more. there are many wounds that are uncovered. luckily, i have friends that are great and remembered my birthday and i value them very much. my lovely suitemates last year decorated the whole suite for my birthday and i cried bc no one had every decorated my locker/a door for me in school and this was first time (COVID happened freshman year so i didn't have that).
2. i recall mentioning to most people, including friends, or it comes up, that i cannot have popcorn and how bad it is for me. when i invited her to my housemates holiday party, she was quick to say she was going to bring popcorn, even though she hadn't even bought it. even when i mentioned that she could get it, but i would not be able to have it (i happened to be with her when she was going to buy it), she still decided to buy it.
3. she does not text back in a reasonable time, sometimes does not even respond. she is a dry texter and does not often incorporate her emotions in texts, so it is boring to text and communicate with her.
4. she often talks about her boyfriend and all that he does. she does not seem to have stable friendships outside of her boyfriend. occasional scheduled weekly lunch dates, but she is not the best at valuing friendships and people in her life.
5. she was quick to label HERSELF as my best friend, instead of just calling me her best friend. it felt like she put those words in my mouth and soon i was calling her my best friend even if i didn't fully believe or mean it. it felt too forced, while she wasn't entirely playing up to her part. though, she is often a good listening ear, these examples have built up over time. she rants to me, equally, so that was not an excuse.
6. she is not dependable and does not always follow through with her word. when we hang out, she is often replying to emails or text on her phone, yet i often times wait a day or two for a simple reply from her. my hunch, or projection, is that it is probably her boyfriend...
7. lastly, is an example that still hurts and caused me to spiral very bad. K, my good friend from her university, invited me to a rugby game that was K's university against my university. i said sure! she said feel free to invite friends. So I invited A. i intended it to be just an invite to A. she then said W, her boyfriend, used to played rugby, so somehow he was invited. The text said that W played rugdy. would we all want to go together? W could drive and pick us up, or they could meet us there. So there was really no option for me to say I was only inviting A, and didn't want the boyfriend to come. i had a hunch. turns out i was right.
anyway, W and A picked me up with W's old renovated ambulance. i don't know why he drove that ambulance bc i later found out he has a normal car, but okayyyyy. anyway the ambulance is structured where the driver and shotgun are in front and there is a huge gap and then a bench in the back, which was where K and i were supposed to sit. from the bench i was sitting at that was directly across from a huge mattress that wasn't supported in the vehicle, i could not hear anything W and A were saying, so they were having their own conversation, and did not pay me much attention. once we got the university and picked K up, it was K and i on the bench, and A and her boyfriend in the front. the front and back was separated by a plastic shield. so it was basically K and i, and then A and her boyfriend. and that's how the rest of the day went. somewhere in my head i imagined that we would all get along and maybe grab a bite to eat together and that we would be more connected and engaging with each other. unfortunately, A basically just talked with W the whole time and didn't really regard K and i. i felt hurt and it felt very unthoughtful of A to act very disengaged and standoffish.
so, finally it was time to leave. im hoping someone will suggest hanging out more or grabbing a bite to eat. It was around noon or 1pm at that point. no one does. K and i climb into the back of the ambulance. then i find out that A wants to be dropped off at her apartment, because she feels she has a lot of work. however, by dropping A off, i could have been dropped off since A apartment was in the direction of mine, too, but it was not right to leave K with a random boy she did not know. W was also a boy i did not know, but i offered to stay with K. it was very much out of the way to drop A off. and it was not kind to make W drive all over and leave just K and i with him. eventually, i had to ride back alone with W, which was nerve-wracking and i was also pissed at A for thinking she was entitled enough to need to be dropped off first. both K and i were college students and needed to get things done, why did we not all hang together and drop K off, then me? i will never know, but it sent me into a terrible spiral and dark hole that took a while to get out. luckily, i am out. but i would like to evaluate my relationship with A. i am already distancing myself from her, and focusing on friendships that are reciprocated and thoughtful, where people listen to my honest feelings. with A, she just dictates everything and expects everyone to go with it. at one point i offered to pick up food or whatever it was when she was getting her booster shot, and she said she was going to "make" W, her boyfriend pick something up for her. don't want to read too much into it, but my feelings have been hurt and i needed to process.
P.S. I have not heard from A in over a week and will not initiate a text anymore.
I would appreciate your input, advice, and observations about A and what you guys think is going on with her and the situation! Thanks so much
things she does/did that has annoyed/caused me to be very upset
1. forgot my birthday, even though i was allegedly the only person who remembered her birthday, out of all her friends. i even sent her a present in the mail. I have spent from 7th grade to senior year coming to school having no one remembered my birthday. my locker was NEVER decorated. i have had some terrible birthdays. it hurts to not be remembered. and the fact that i knew how this felt and made sure to remember A's birthday, and she couldn't even do the same, even though she claims that that had happened to her over the summer, also, hurts even more. there are many wounds that are uncovered. luckily, i have friends that are great and remembered my birthday and i value them very much. my lovely suitemates last year decorated the whole suite for my birthday and i cried bc no one had every decorated my locker/a door for me in school and this was first time (COVID happened freshman year so i didn't have that).
2. i recall mentioning to most people, including friends, or it comes up, that i cannot have popcorn and how bad it is for me. when i invited her to my housemates holiday party, she was quick to say she was going to bring popcorn, even though she hadn't even bought it. even when i mentioned that she could get it, but i would not be able to have it (i happened to be with her when she was going to buy it), she still decided to buy it.
3. she does not text back in a reasonable time, sometimes does not even respond. she is a dry texter and does not often incorporate her emotions in texts, so it is boring to text and communicate with her.
4. she often talks about her boyfriend and all that he does. she does not seem to have stable friendships outside of her boyfriend. occasional scheduled weekly lunch dates, but she is not the best at valuing friendships and people in her life.
5. she was quick to label HERSELF as my best friend, instead of just calling me her best friend. it felt like she put those words in my mouth and soon i was calling her my best friend even if i didn't fully believe or mean it. it felt too forced, while she wasn't entirely playing up to her part. though, she is often a good listening ear, these examples have built up over time. she rants to me, equally, so that was not an excuse.
6. she is not dependable and does not always follow through with her word. when we hang out, she is often replying to emails or text on her phone, yet i often times wait a day or two for a simple reply from her. my hunch, or projection, is that it is probably her boyfriend...
7. lastly, is an example that still hurts and caused me to spiral very bad. K, my good friend from her university, invited me to a rugby game that was K's university against my university. i said sure! she said feel free to invite friends. So I invited A. i intended it to be just an invite to A. she then said W, her boyfriend, used to played rugby, so somehow he was invited. The text said that W played rugdy. would we all want to go together? W could drive and pick us up, or they could meet us there. So there was really no option for me to say I was only inviting A, and didn't want the boyfriend to come. i had a hunch. turns out i was right.
anyway, W and A picked me up with W's old renovated ambulance. i don't know why he drove that ambulance bc i later found out he has a normal car, but okayyyyy. anyway the ambulance is structured where the driver and shotgun are in front and there is a huge gap and then a bench in the back, which was where K and i were supposed to sit. from the bench i was sitting at that was directly across from a huge mattress that wasn't supported in the vehicle, i could not hear anything W and A were saying, so they were having their own conversation, and did not pay me much attention. once we got the university and picked K up, it was K and i on the bench, and A and her boyfriend in the front. the front and back was separated by a plastic shield. so it was basically K and i, and then A and her boyfriend. and that's how the rest of the day went. somewhere in my head i imagined that we would all get along and maybe grab a bite to eat together and that we would be more connected and engaging with each other. unfortunately, A basically just talked with W the whole time and didn't really regard K and i. i felt hurt and it felt very unthoughtful of A to act very disengaged and standoffish.
so, finally it was time to leave. im hoping someone will suggest hanging out more or grabbing a bite to eat. It was around noon or 1pm at that point. no one does. K and i climb into the back of the ambulance. then i find out that A wants to be dropped off at her apartment, because she feels she has a lot of work. however, by dropping A off, i could have been dropped off since A apartment was in the direction of mine, too, but it was not right to leave K with a random boy she did not know. W was also a boy i did not know, but i offered to stay with K. it was very much out of the way to drop A off. and it was not kind to make W drive all over and leave just K and i with him. eventually, i had to ride back alone with W, which was nerve-wracking and i was also pissed at A for thinking she was entitled enough to need to be dropped off first. both K and i were college students and needed to get things done, why did we not all hang together and drop K off, then me? i will never know, but it sent me into a terrible spiral and dark hole that took a while to get out. luckily, i am out. but i would like to evaluate my relationship with A. i am already distancing myself from her, and focusing on friendships that are reciprocated and thoughtful, where people listen to my honest feelings. with A, she just dictates everything and expects everyone to go with it. at one point i offered to pick up food or whatever it was when she was getting her booster shot, and she said she was going to "make" W, her boyfriend pick something up for her. don't want to read too much into it, but my feelings have been hurt and i needed to process.
P.S. I have not heard from A in over a week and will not initiate a text anymore.
I would appreciate your input, advice, and observations about A and what you guys think is going on with her and the situation! Thanks so much
