Post by looking4advice on Oct 1, 2021 18:31:18 GMT -5
Hello,
I am a 28-year-old father and husband, and I am looking for advice about my current situation.
My wife and I just got married in April, but we have been together for nearly ten years. We have an eight-year-old daughter and a beautiful life together. However, there was a major issue in the past. Three years into our relationship (we were engaged at the time), I found out that she was having an affair with my best friend whom we had met through. The only slept together once (as far as either confessed) and it was swiftly ended by my best friend, who felt guilty and confessed to his girlfriend, who in turn told me.
Long story short, they had planned on continuing and she admitted to me that she was never going to tell me. Needless to say, I was completely devastated and it nearly destroyed us. I thought about leaving her, and when I first found out, that was my initial reaction.
But, after thinking for a while, I was not ready to give up my entire life because of this and vowed to move past it. It was the most difficult and painful thing that has ever happened to me, and it took 3-4 years for us to really get completely back on track (or so I thought).
When this all went down, I cut my "best friend", whom I had known most of my life, off for good. I initially was going to cause him great physical harm, but he evaded me for the first few days. He contacted me on messenger, trying to apologize and cry (bullshit). I made it clear that he was to stay away from me, my wife, and my family for good, and I told my wife not to speak to him again.
Fast-forwarded to last Sunday. I get a message from my former best friend's girl friend. She is angrily telling me that she is sick of my wife messaging the father of her child and that I need to "get her in line" before she does. As soon as my wife walked back in the room, I confronted her. She confessed and I got angry. She pleaded with me that it was a completely innocent message and pulled out her phone to show me, but I was still angry. I told her that it sounds like she has sent him more than one message, and I asked her if she sent others. She repeated, "I only sent one message!". I unloaded on her later that night (after not speaking to her for hours) and told her about how faecal is was for her to reach out to him, and reminded her of everything she put me through.
We didn't talk again until the following morning. She was angrily avoiding me and then grabbed her bag and shoes to leave. I asked her where she was going, and she said that she didn't know yet but that she was leaving because she realized after last night that I still not forgiven her. I tried to talk to her calmly, but she took off walking and I was left at home alone with our daughter.
Later that day, I had the thought to ask my former best friend's gf if she knew of any other messages my wife had sent, to verify her "only one message" claim. Sure enough, there was a lot more to it. It turns out that they had shared several messages, 2 phone calls, and had planned to meet up at some point 2 years ago (4 years after initial betrayal). They attempted to make arrangements to meet up, but based on their tales and the communication that corroborated, they never did. She claims that she had no sexual intentions, and I will admit that the messages seem to corroborate that, as well. They spoke of his mental health and life (they were friends as well before her and I had met). However, my former bestfriend repeatedly stated in their messages how they shouldn't be talking or planning to hang out, and that it was wrong. She remained available to meet up anyway, until she finally told him that they should not try to meet up and should remain long-distance friends. She hid all of this from me, doing all of it while I was at work.
In a nutshell, she went behind my back, betraying my wishes to console and psychologically support (assuming that all is as it seems) the man that she cheated on me with and lied to me about it directly. For context, she was close friends with my best friend, but they had not known each other nearly as long as he and I had (childhood friends). And, once again, the only reason I found out was because my best friend's girlfriend reached out, after my best friend either confessed or got caught up.
I feel completely betrayed and I wonder what would have transpired had they actually started meeting up again. At the time, I was working long hours on night shift and we didn't see each other much. She was sneaking behind my back, hiding messages, phone calls, and making plans to meet. She claims that she was not going to sleep with him, but she also lies. WE have spoken about it quite a bit, but she has proven that she has a tendency to stray away from facts or details that she knows would upset me, so I can't even be sure that the "truth" she shares is the whole truth (that is her game, indirect lies or omission of details). She will always leave out the worst parts...
I guess the question is, do I leave her and watch my family and life come apart? I love her more than anything, and our relationship has been incredible aside from these two events. I just don't see how I could ever trust her again. The disrespect and deceit are unreal, but when I think about her leaving or see her suffering as we fight (not eating, sleeping, crying/hiding) it kills me. I can't stand to see her in pain. I may be a fool (obviously) but after ten years, I know what it looks like when my wife is in legitimate pain and when she feels legitimate remorse. However, this is inexcusable and it was a miracle that I forgave her the first time. What to do...
I am a 28-year-old father and husband, and I am looking for advice about my current situation.
My wife and I just got married in April, but we have been together for nearly ten years. We have an eight-year-old daughter and a beautiful life together. However, there was a major issue in the past. Three years into our relationship (we were engaged at the time), I found out that she was having an affair with my best friend whom we had met through. The only slept together once (as far as either confessed) and it was swiftly ended by my best friend, who felt guilty and confessed to his girlfriend, who in turn told me.
Long story short, they had planned on continuing and she admitted to me that she was never going to tell me. Needless to say, I was completely devastated and it nearly destroyed us. I thought about leaving her, and when I first found out, that was my initial reaction.
But, after thinking for a while, I was not ready to give up my entire life because of this and vowed to move past it. It was the most difficult and painful thing that has ever happened to me, and it took 3-4 years for us to really get completely back on track (or so I thought).
When this all went down, I cut my "best friend", whom I had known most of my life, off for good. I initially was going to cause him great physical harm, but he evaded me for the first few days. He contacted me on messenger, trying to apologize and cry (bullshit). I made it clear that he was to stay away from me, my wife, and my family for good, and I told my wife not to speak to him again.
Fast-forwarded to last Sunday. I get a message from my former best friend's girl friend. She is angrily telling me that she is sick of my wife messaging the father of her child and that I need to "get her in line" before she does. As soon as my wife walked back in the room, I confronted her. She confessed and I got angry. She pleaded with me that it was a completely innocent message and pulled out her phone to show me, but I was still angry. I told her that it sounds like she has sent him more than one message, and I asked her if she sent others. She repeated, "I only sent one message!". I unloaded on her later that night (after not speaking to her for hours) and told her about how faecal is was for her to reach out to him, and reminded her of everything she put me through.
We didn't talk again until the following morning. She was angrily avoiding me and then grabbed her bag and shoes to leave. I asked her where she was going, and she said that she didn't know yet but that she was leaving because she realized after last night that I still not forgiven her. I tried to talk to her calmly, but she took off walking and I was left at home alone with our daughter.
Later that day, I had the thought to ask my former best friend's gf if she knew of any other messages my wife had sent, to verify her "only one message" claim. Sure enough, there was a lot more to it. It turns out that they had shared several messages, 2 phone calls, and had planned to meet up at some point 2 years ago (4 years after initial betrayal). They attempted to make arrangements to meet up, but based on their tales and the communication that corroborated, they never did. She claims that she had no sexual intentions, and I will admit that the messages seem to corroborate that, as well. They spoke of his mental health and life (they were friends as well before her and I had met). However, my former bestfriend repeatedly stated in their messages how they shouldn't be talking or planning to hang out, and that it was wrong. She remained available to meet up anyway, until she finally told him that they should not try to meet up and should remain long-distance friends. She hid all of this from me, doing all of it while I was at work.
In a nutshell, she went behind my back, betraying my wishes to console and psychologically support (assuming that all is as it seems) the man that she cheated on me with and lied to me about it directly. For context, she was close friends with my best friend, but they had not known each other nearly as long as he and I had (childhood friends). And, once again, the only reason I found out was because my best friend's girlfriend reached out, after my best friend either confessed or got caught up.
I feel completely betrayed and I wonder what would have transpired had they actually started meeting up again. At the time, I was working long hours on night shift and we didn't see each other much. She was sneaking behind my back, hiding messages, phone calls, and making plans to meet. She claims that she was not going to sleep with him, but she also lies. WE have spoken about it quite a bit, but she has proven that she has a tendency to stray away from facts or details that she knows would upset me, so I can't even be sure that the "truth" she shares is the whole truth (that is her game, indirect lies or omission of details). She will always leave out the worst parts...
I guess the question is, do I leave her and watch my family and life come apart? I love her more than anything, and our relationship has been incredible aside from these two events. I just don't see how I could ever trust her again. The disrespect and deceit are unreal, but when I think about her leaving or see her suffering as we fight (not eating, sleeping, crying/hiding) it kills me. I can't stand to see her in pain. I may be a fool (obviously) but after ten years, I know what it looks like when my wife is in legitimate pain and when she feels legitimate remorse. However, this is inexcusable and it was a miracle that I forgave her the first time. What to do...
