Post by poppyfield on Jan 3, 2020 6:31:42 GMT -5
I'm in a lesbian relationship, I've been in it for a little over a year, it's a nightmare, and I can't wake up.
I'd met my gf one year ago on tinder, two weeks after I broke up with my previous partner (who was and probably still is a wonderful man but we'd been together for almost nine years, and there was no more love between us, only friendship, we didn't see any future together, blah. The important thing is that the relationship with my ex was good, healthy, long, I don't contact him at all because of my current partner, I don't really feel the need to contact him, since I don't love him, and we both remained respectful).
So at first my gf seemed to be a really great person. She'd had some medical issues earlier but was healthy (with a risk of remission, so far she's still healthy and that's good), she had a good stable job (this is what she was telling me at least, she was also bragging about pretty much swimming in dough, spending on one gift for her ex more than I'd spend on mine in one year ((I'm not cheap or anything, she was just spending ridiculous amount of money))), going on trips and everything, so just what I'd expect from someone, who isn't financially struggling. There's a reason why I'm mentioning the $$$, please stay patient.
Her last relationship was a very abusive one with a lot of violence, so I was feeling really sorry for her and I was listening to every single word and tried to support her in every way possible, she'd told me that she was still seeing a counselor (she hasn't talked to him even once ever since we're together even though I asked and begged her to). She was portraying herself as a victim, so she said that it was only her, who was getting insulted and beat up. And she'd had a serious illness back then too, so I felt a great deal of pity towards her. Her parents didn't (and still don't, I haven't met them yet) support her being a lesbian, and mine are very supportive, so I also felt sorry for her about that.
The sex at the beginning was great, I've never felt better, and even though I'm bisexual, I'd find it very difficult to go back to being with a man, just because of how good she was. We were very caring and sweet, I was super happy and I believed every single word she'd told me because why would she lie to me, right?
For the first few months we were seeing each other every single weekend, I was driving to her via train on Friday and coming back home on early Monday morning because she had two dogs she couldn't leave alone and I had two cats, so they could stay alone for a few days. I'd always felt extremely guilty about leaving my cats alone for over two days each week, I wanted her to visit me too but she came to me maybe twice in five months before we've moved in together. Whenever I said that my cats were missing me, she was getting angry and was saying that I don't care about her. One time she was supposed to come see me but she didn't find anyone, who could stay with the dogs, so I said that I was staying home because I had to spend some time with my cats, she got extremely angry and guilt-tripped me into coming to visit her anyways, and this thing isn't even very serious, it's pretty much nothing compared to other things that were and are going on but she'd always guilt-trip me into doing things I didn't want to do, and this was one of those things.
The other issue is alcohol. We were seeing each other only on weekends, and while I naturally drink like two/three times per month, she needed to drink every weekend, and it was okay. I never minded it. But then it turned out that it was heavy drinking on Friday, heavy drinking on Saturday, and she would even wake up before me on Sunday and get totally wasted before 11am... I was mad at her because we could spend so little time together, I wasn't seeing my friends at all for five months just so I could spend time with her, and she'd just go get drunk ALONE. I told her that it's unhealthy and that it's something alcoholics do but she just got mad at me for calling her an alcoholic. Then I found out that she was drinking every single day but she was saying that it was one beer per night, that it had to do with her nervous system needing hop, so it wouldn't hurt, blah. I told her to drink non-alcoholic beer, she lied saying that she was throwing up when she drunk a non-alcoholic one, and that she needed to drink everyday or else she was in great pain... This too was of curse a lie because now, after months of fights and arguments, I was able to limit her drinking to two days per week, she can drink non-alcoholic beer normally, and she's functioning much better than earlier... The real horror happened when she moved in with me--she didn't have any job for four! months, she wasn't doing anything to find one, she didn't have any savings, I had to pay for everything, and she was drinking four or more beers DAILY, and was mad at me for calling her out on this. She was also calling me a tyrant when I didn't want to buy her beers, even though I was struggling financially because I don't earn well enough to support two people, four animals, to pay off her debt and buy her beers and cigarettes every day......... She was calling me names like idiot, b***ch, prostitute (I've never cheated on anyone, never was flirtatious with anyone while I was in a relationship, I also never accepted money for sex, never offered to have sex for money, and I have a fairly normal amount of partners for my age, even slightly fewer because of how long my last relationship was. I'm not "person who sleeps around"-shaming or being offensive towards sex workers, so please don't get mad at me for saying all these things, it's just that it was completely left field). I begged her to drink two beers per day, so she'd limit it at least, she was calling me a Nazi. Later I was eventually able to make her drink twice a week, she'd always bring it up in arguments as a proof that I was some kind of Nazi b***ch, who wants to control every single aspect of her life... Now there's another success, we're doing a so-called Dry January, meaning no alcohol for a whole month. It's the third of January and so far it's going okay, meaning that she didn't ask me to buy her a beer yet. I hope it stays this way.
NSFW 18+ part
Sex pretty much ceased after first two months. I don't mean the regular "it's not a fresh relationship anymore so now it's less," I mean no sex for weeks, I mean her not accepting my advances, and making me stop trying to make anything happen because I'm apparently gross for wanting sex, I mean her fingering me once every few weeks while she didn't care about it at all and while she was wasted, so it wasn't even pleasant, and sometimes I faked an orgasm just to make her stop. I tried talking to her about it, she said that it was because of stress, so it would get better when she moves in with me, and so we needed to do it asap. We moved in and it's gotten even worse. Now it was maybe once per month, always half-assed, I was always forbidden to touch her, it was just her finger drunkenly trying to find my clit. And it would always happen when I'd ask her why there was no more sex, she would get mad, and then this was what I got... She told me that there would be more sex if I wasn't working night shifts, so I stopped. Nothing's changed. And two weeks ago apparently there was another reason why there was no sex. I will get to it in a second.
End of NSFW 18+ part
Now for the money issue. Like I said earlier, she pretended to be well off. Please don't take me for a gold digger because I'm earning more than enough to lead a comfortable life, and I should be leading one but I'm constantly overworked and broke instead.
In late January last year, after we've been together for two months! it's turned out that her company was pretty much bankrupt and that she was swimming in debt. I'm not from any English speaking country but let's say that a normal pay for a regular corporate office worker is 3k, and I'm earning 4.5-5k depending on a month. She told me that she needed to pay 16k but now her company was doing okay, she was 10k behind, alright, it's not so scary. I borrowed 7k from my father and gave her 2k, 9k in total, so she needed to get that 1k somehow, and then just keep paying. I even offered to help her pay off my father, so she needed to pay back to him only 3.5k. She agreed. Later on it turned out that the debt was much greater and that the company wasn't doing well after all. She guilt-tripped and manipulated me into borrowing 50k from a bank, in my name since no bank was going to give her any loan, she said that she was the one, who was going to pay off the debt, that she would be earning around 6k the moment she moves in with me, she had connections and a plan. I'm an idiot, so I agreed. I borrowed 50k from the bank in March, and gave it all to her (I need to pay 63k back because of interest). The first payment (April) we paid together, I wanted to help her, blah, it was 50-50, I was in it to win it. The second one in May I paid alone. And I paid all the other ones alone too. Just like I'm paying off my father alone.
She moved in with me on the first of May. I had been begging and asking her to find herself a job, to fill out a resume, to send it to the companies, so she would have a job when she moves in but she didn't. She was calling me a Nazi b***ch instead, I was not being supportive and tried to control her, I was the worst person she could imagine, how dared I. So she didn't have a job lined up when she moved in. She also never wrote that resume, I wrote it for her. She never sent it anywhere but luckily she had a friend, who was able to get her a regular corporate job with 3.3k pay. She needed to pay 1050 to the bank and 700 to my father a month (with me paying the other 700), there was also the rent and idk, food for her and her pets? She got the job in August, she still hasn't brought home a full pay because she didn't close the company properly, and so she brings home about 1.5k. It's not even enough to pay her part of the rent and the living expenses. And for four months (she started the job on the 20th of August) she was doing nothing, just drinking. She had an epileptic attack in June, and then she was having some epileptic aura but she wasn't doing anything about it... And it was my fault she she was feeling sick too, after all I was constantly being mad at her because of her drinking habits, no sex and having to pay for everything.
And it's not the end.
Two weeks ago she told me that she has 50k more of debt.
Because she convinced her friend to take a loan for her, the loan was 25 k but it wasn't a proper bank, so the interest is crazy, and there's over 50k to pay off. And she's behind with two payments. She was also paying 1200 monthly behind my back for some time. Right now her friend has a ruined bank history and can't take a loan for her fiance. And my gf told the friend that I know and knew all about it, and that I have rich parents, who will help. I told her no. The friend reached out to my gf's parents with whom she didn't have any contact since July. And she was afraid that they would call me, and this is the only reason why she even told me about the extra 50k.
Am I an idiot? Yes, I am. I hope that none of you are as much of an idiot as I am.
So her parents called her and were mad at her but they are still willing to help her financially and pay her off. As you can imagine, I'm already extremely mad at her and it's difficult for me to feel any kind of compassion or love towards her after all this time, so yes, I'm getting upset a lot. I was mad when she wanted to exclude me from the talk with her parents because I'm afraid that she will end up lying about me or that she won't do anything to get my money back, I'm upset whenever her parents call her and she refuses to talk in front of me (the issue is mine too, and I can't find it in myself to believe in anything she says anymore), I'm mad that she's hiding her phone and refuses to show me her message history with her parents and the girl, who took that loan for her. After being lied to so much I don't really feel like she deserves privacy because it's still me, who's paying for everything... I'm also mad whenever her parents are scheduling a call with her, and she just ignores it, I'm sick and tired of her acting like she knows what she's doing, I'm also sick and tired of her saying that she'll do something tomorrow, then not doing it and blaming me for getting mad.
Want some extras? She threatened to throw my cats out of the window (10th floor...), she kicked me, her dog bit me (he was probably trying to bite her because she was flailing her arms around), she is regularly threatening me with physical violence and acting aggressive, she's yelling so loud that I'm ashamed to look my neighbors in the eye. We're arguing almost everyday now, earlier it was like three times per week. With my ex I argued once every few months, the same goes for my friends...
Oh, I'm also almost not seeing my friends and nobody knows what it all looks like because I'm super ashamed of how stupid I am. They see that something is wrong, and they do ask me every once in a while but I just tell them that I'm tired. My fault, I know. I just somehow think that I'm still going to be together with her, and I don't want my friends to dislike her.
Why haven't I broken up with her? I tried to, I seriously did. I told her that I didn't want to be with her anymore, I told her that I don't love her anymore (I do but I don't want to), I told her that I don't like her anymore. She just ignores it and yells at me to calm down. She lives in my place and she refuses to move out. She always says that I'm throwing her out and that she will end up homeless, then she yells at me that she should've taken that flat her parents had offered her, and that I'm ruining her life but she's ruined mine. I feel isolated from everyone I care about, she blackmails(this I don't care too much about) and threatens me, she's threatened my cats once...
Oh and those four months she didn't work? I was working like crazy, I was walking her dogs, doing all the shopping and cooking, she was doing laundry and some clean up around the flat...
She called her parents yesterday to schedule a meeting, they still don't know when we're supposed to go there. She's supposed to call them again today because we are supposed to go there tomorrow. I'm quite certain that it's not going to happen, especially since her car broke down like a month ago and she still hasn't done anything to fix it.
I have no idea whether the dog was even vaccinated when it bit me because I still haven't seen his book but I'm healthy, so hurray for me.
I have no idea what to do and I'm tired of not being able to tell anyone what it's all like, so here it goes.
And yes, I should see a counselor but I can't afford it or my medication. My gf was supposed to sign me up for medical healthcare at her job but she never did. She was also supposed to sign a loan deal with me but she also never did. And I'm just being a Nazi b***ch for wanting anything.
I'd met my gf one year ago on tinder, two weeks after I broke up with my previous partner (who was and probably still is a wonderful man but we'd been together for almost nine years, and there was no more love between us, only friendship, we didn't see any future together, blah. The important thing is that the relationship with my ex was good, healthy, long, I don't contact him at all because of my current partner, I don't really feel the need to contact him, since I don't love him, and we both remained respectful).
So at first my gf seemed to be a really great person. She'd had some medical issues earlier but was healthy (with a risk of remission, so far she's still healthy and that's good), she had a good stable job (this is what she was telling me at least, she was also bragging about pretty much swimming in dough, spending on one gift for her ex more than I'd spend on mine in one year ((I'm not cheap or anything, she was just spending ridiculous amount of money))), going on trips and everything, so just what I'd expect from someone, who isn't financially struggling. There's a reason why I'm mentioning the $$$, please stay patient.
Her last relationship was a very abusive one with a lot of violence, so I was feeling really sorry for her and I was listening to every single word and tried to support her in every way possible, she'd told me that she was still seeing a counselor (she hasn't talked to him even once ever since we're together even though I asked and begged her to). She was portraying herself as a victim, so she said that it was only her, who was getting insulted and beat up. And she'd had a serious illness back then too, so I felt a great deal of pity towards her. Her parents didn't (and still don't, I haven't met them yet) support her being a lesbian, and mine are very supportive, so I also felt sorry for her about that.
The sex at the beginning was great, I've never felt better, and even though I'm bisexual, I'd find it very difficult to go back to being with a man, just because of how good she was. We were very caring and sweet, I was super happy and I believed every single word she'd told me because why would she lie to me, right?
For the first few months we were seeing each other every single weekend, I was driving to her via train on Friday and coming back home on early Monday morning because she had two dogs she couldn't leave alone and I had two cats, so they could stay alone for a few days. I'd always felt extremely guilty about leaving my cats alone for over two days each week, I wanted her to visit me too but she came to me maybe twice in five months before we've moved in together. Whenever I said that my cats were missing me, she was getting angry and was saying that I don't care about her. One time she was supposed to come see me but she didn't find anyone, who could stay with the dogs, so I said that I was staying home because I had to spend some time with my cats, she got extremely angry and guilt-tripped me into coming to visit her anyways, and this thing isn't even very serious, it's pretty much nothing compared to other things that were and are going on but she'd always guilt-trip me into doing things I didn't want to do, and this was one of those things.
The other issue is alcohol. We were seeing each other only on weekends, and while I naturally drink like two/three times per month, she needed to drink every weekend, and it was okay. I never minded it. But then it turned out that it was heavy drinking on Friday, heavy drinking on Saturday, and she would even wake up before me on Sunday and get totally wasted before 11am... I was mad at her because we could spend so little time together, I wasn't seeing my friends at all for five months just so I could spend time with her, and she'd just go get drunk ALONE. I told her that it's unhealthy and that it's something alcoholics do but she just got mad at me for calling her an alcoholic. Then I found out that she was drinking every single day but she was saying that it was one beer per night, that it had to do with her nervous system needing hop, so it wouldn't hurt, blah. I told her to drink non-alcoholic beer, she lied saying that she was throwing up when she drunk a non-alcoholic one, and that she needed to drink everyday or else she was in great pain... This too was of curse a lie because now, after months of fights and arguments, I was able to limit her drinking to two days per week, she can drink non-alcoholic beer normally, and she's functioning much better than earlier... The real horror happened when she moved in with me--she didn't have any job for four! months, she wasn't doing anything to find one, she didn't have any savings, I had to pay for everything, and she was drinking four or more beers DAILY, and was mad at me for calling her out on this. She was also calling me a tyrant when I didn't want to buy her beers, even though I was struggling financially because I don't earn well enough to support two people, four animals, to pay off her debt and buy her beers and cigarettes every day......... She was calling me names like idiot, b***ch, prostitute (I've never cheated on anyone, never was flirtatious with anyone while I was in a relationship, I also never accepted money for sex, never offered to have sex for money, and I have a fairly normal amount of partners for my age, even slightly fewer because of how long my last relationship was. I'm not "person who sleeps around"-shaming or being offensive towards sex workers, so please don't get mad at me for saying all these things, it's just that it was completely left field). I begged her to drink two beers per day, so she'd limit it at least, she was calling me a Nazi. Later I was eventually able to make her drink twice a week, she'd always bring it up in arguments as a proof that I was some kind of Nazi b***ch, who wants to control every single aspect of her life... Now there's another success, we're doing a so-called Dry January, meaning no alcohol for a whole month. It's the third of January and so far it's going okay, meaning that she didn't ask me to buy her a beer yet. I hope it stays this way.
NSFW 18+ part
Sex pretty much ceased after first two months. I don't mean the regular "it's not a fresh relationship anymore so now it's less," I mean no sex for weeks, I mean her not accepting my advances, and making me stop trying to make anything happen because I'm apparently gross for wanting sex, I mean her fingering me once every few weeks while she didn't care about it at all and while she was wasted, so it wasn't even pleasant, and sometimes I faked an orgasm just to make her stop. I tried talking to her about it, she said that it was because of stress, so it would get better when she moves in with me, and so we needed to do it asap. We moved in and it's gotten even worse. Now it was maybe once per month, always half-assed, I was always forbidden to touch her, it was just her finger drunkenly trying to find my clit. And it would always happen when I'd ask her why there was no more sex, she would get mad, and then this was what I got... She told me that there would be more sex if I wasn't working night shifts, so I stopped. Nothing's changed. And two weeks ago apparently there was another reason why there was no sex. I will get to it in a second.
End of NSFW 18+ part
Now for the money issue. Like I said earlier, she pretended to be well off. Please don't take me for a gold digger because I'm earning more than enough to lead a comfortable life, and I should be leading one but I'm constantly overworked and broke instead.
In late January last year, after we've been together for two months! it's turned out that her company was pretty much bankrupt and that she was swimming in debt. I'm not from any English speaking country but let's say that a normal pay for a regular corporate office worker is 3k, and I'm earning 4.5-5k depending on a month. She told me that she needed to pay 16k but now her company was doing okay, she was 10k behind, alright, it's not so scary. I borrowed 7k from my father and gave her 2k, 9k in total, so she needed to get that 1k somehow, and then just keep paying. I even offered to help her pay off my father, so she needed to pay back to him only 3.5k. She agreed. Later on it turned out that the debt was much greater and that the company wasn't doing well after all. She guilt-tripped and manipulated me into borrowing 50k from a bank, in my name since no bank was going to give her any loan, she said that she was the one, who was going to pay off the debt, that she would be earning around 6k the moment she moves in with me, she had connections and a plan. I'm an idiot, so I agreed. I borrowed 50k from the bank in March, and gave it all to her (I need to pay 63k back because of interest). The first payment (April) we paid together, I wanted to help her, blah, it was 50-50, I was in it to win it. The second one in May I paid alone. And I paid all the other ones alone too. Just like I'm paying off my father alone.
She moved in with me on the first of May. I had been begging and asking her to find herself a job, to fill out a resume, to send it to the companies, so she would have a job when she moves in but she didn't. She was calling me a Nazi b***ch instead, I was not being supportive and tried to control her, I was the worst person she could imagine, how dared I. So she didn't have a job lined up when she moved in. She also never wrote that resume, I wrote it for her. She never sent it anywhere but luckily she had a friend, who was able to get her a regular corporate job with 3.3k pay. She needed to pay 1050 to the bank and 700 to my father a month (with me paying the other 700), there was also the rent and idk, food for her and her pets? She got the job in August, she still hasn't brought home a full pay because she didn't close the company properly, and so she brings home about 1.5k. It's not even enough to pay her part of the rent and the living expenses. And for four months (she started the job on the 20th of August) she was doing nothing, just drinking. She had an epileptic attack in June, and then she was having some epileptic aura but she wasn't doing anything about it... And it was my fault she she was feeling sick too, after all I was constantly being mad at her because of her drinking habits, no sex and having to pay for everything.
And it's not the end.
Two weeks ago she told me that she has 50k more of debt.
Because she convinced her friend to take a loan for her, the loan was 25 k but it wasn't a proper bank, so the interest is crazy, and there's over 50k to pay off. And she's behind with two payments. She was also paying 1200 monthly behind my back for some time. Right now her friend has a ruined bank history and can't take a loan for her fiance. And my gf told the friend that I know and knew all about it, and that I have rich parents, who will help. I told her no. The friend reached out to my gf's parents with whom she didn't have any contact since July. And she was afraid that they would call me, and this is the only reason why she even told me about the extra 50k.
Am I an idiot? Yes, I am. I hope that none of you are as much of an idiot as I am.
So her parents called her and were mad at her but they are still willing to help her financially and pay her off. As you can imagine, I'm already extremely mad at her and it's difficult for me to feel any kind of compassion or love towards her after all this time, so yes, I'm getting upset a lot. I was mad when she wanted to exclude me from the talk with her parents because I'm afraid that she will end up lying about me or that she won't do anything to get my money back, I'm upset whenever her parents call her and she refuses to talk in front of me (the issue is mine too, and I can't find it in myself to believe in anything she says anymore), I'm mad that she's hiding her phone and refuses to show me her message history with her parents and the girl, who took that loan for her. After being lied to so much I don't really feel like she deserves privacy because it's still me, who's paying for everything... I'm also mad whenever her parents are scheduling a call with her, and she just ignores it, I'm sick and tired of her acting like she knows what she's doing, I'm also sick and tired of her saying that she'll do something tomorrow, then not doing it and blaming me for getting mad.
Want some extras? She threatened to throw my cats out of the window (10th floor...), she kicked me, her dog bit me (he was probably trying to bite her because she was flailing her arms around), she is regularly threatening me with physical violence and acting aggressive, she's yelling so loud that I'm ashamed to look my neighbors in the eye. We're arguing almost everyday now, earlier it was like three times per week. With my ex I argued once every few months, the same goes for my friends...
Oh, I'm also almost not seeing my friends and nobody knows what it all looks like because I'm super ashamed of how stupid I am. They see that something is wrong, and they do ask me every once in a while but I just tell them that I'm tired. My fault, I know. I just somehow think that I'm still going to be together with her, and I don't want my friends to dislike her.
Why haven't I broken up with her? I tried to, I seriously did. I told her that I didn't want to be with her anymore, I told her that I don't love her anymore (I do but I don't want to), I told her that I don't like her anymore. She just ignores it and yells at me to calm down. She lives in my place and she refuses to move out. She always says that I'm throwing her out and that she will end up homeless, then she yells at me that she should've taken that flat her parents had offered her, and that I'm ruining her life but she's ruined mine. I feel isolated from everyone I care about, she blackmails(this I don't care too much about) and threatens me, she's threatened my cats once...
Oh and those four months she didn't work? I was working like crazy, I was walking her dogs, doing all the shopping and cooking, she was doing laundry and some clean up around the flat...
She called her parents yesterday to schedule a meeting, they still don't know when we're supposed to go there. She's supposed to call them again today because we are supposed to go there tomorrow. I'm quite certain that it's not going to happen, especially since her car broke down like a month ago and she still hasn't done anything to fix it.
I have no idea whether the dog was even vaccinated when it bit me because I still haven't seen his book but I'm healthy, so hurray for me.
I have no idea what to do and I'm tired of not being able to tell anyone what it's all like, so here it goes.
And yes, I should see a counselor but I can't afford it or my medication. My gf was supposed to sign me up for medical healthcare at her job but she never did. She was also supposed to sign a loan deal with me but she also never did. And I'm just being a Nazi b***ch for wanting anything.
