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Post by belovednikki on Oct 24, 2017 2:33:45 GMT -5
A few months ago a really good friend of mine passed away. I was cool with his best friend so I would text him from time to time to see how he's doing. Two weekends ago he hit me up and said he was in the city and asked if I wanted to grab a drink. I wasn't doing shit so he came and swooped me up. While out sipping my favorite Japanese whiskey he professed his feelings for me and asked if I would be interested in dating him. The catch is, in 2015 he "dated" my at the time best friend. We fell out this summer because I made a comment behind her back saying that she isn't the type of person you should leave around your man. My ex friend is very loose and I was tired of it and her. So yeah I said it and the person went right back to her and told her. While they dated she lived overseas so they saw each other three times that year but they had a lot of cyber sex and had a lot of stimulating conversations. She really liked him. She was ready to move home to be with him. The dude seems real cool and I can tell he would spoil me which is something I have never experienced from a man before in my life. Here are my issues:
1. I have never looked at him in any way other than a friend. I don't find him attractive but he's really nice.
2. He had sex with my friend (possibly raw) but he claims that even though they had sex he never was into her like that and he has always wanted to date me.
3. This girl and I are no longer friends and we will never be friends again.
4. I haven't dated in YEARS!!!!!!!! Years.
5. He claims she wasn't honest with me on the type of relationship they had. He feels she should not be included in my decision to date him.
6. He is really into me. He texts me all the time and uses emojis that would be cool if I was into him, but I'm not so it's weird to me. He's always trying to see me and do nice things for me but I stop it because of all the circumstances.
7. Two baby momma's and two kids. One of his BM's is 22 and he's 47.
8. He's very well established.
I could go on and on with little petty reasons that I would not be privy to if he hadn't "dated" my best friend. Being that I haven't dated in a long time and don't usually get guys that want to date me I feel obligated to date him and I feel guilty when I resist him. He has everything I want in a man but he's tainted. All In all I'm not attracted to him but I feel so bad rejecting him.
What do do I do? Date or don't date?
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Post by Ask Anon on Oct 25, 2017 4:11:45 GMT -5
You ditch a friend by bitching about her because "My ex friend is very loose and I was tired of it and her", and when a serial womaniser who doesn't understand contraception wants to get in your pants, you're salivating like Pavlov's dog.
You know he wants you for sex and nothing else, so either take him on that basis, or don't.
Why over-complicate it?
If he was really 'into you', why didn't he approach you before?
His history (and hers) should have no part in your decision, once you've decided he's "safe". But is he?
I really can't see your problem: you don't like him much, but you want the sex, and you're quite attracted by his money. Money is a great aphrodisiac, isn't it?
Why would you feel ever 'bad' rejecting a man you claim you don't want?
"The dude seems real cool" - apart from a trail of discarded women and babies across 5 states, yeah. He's cool.
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Post by belovednikki on Oct 25, 2017 8:05:59 GMT -5
You ditch a friend by bitching about her because "My ex friend is very loose and I was tired of it and her", and when a serial womaniser who doesn't understand contraception wants to get in your pants, you're salivating like Pavlov's dog That's not why I ditched her, but I did say what I said. I'm not salivating over him at all and I have never thought about sleeping with him. I'm not sexually attracted to him. But I hardly ever date and every time a guy comes around it's always some BS attached to the situation, I over analyze and I end up not dating them and I'm alone. For this situation, I feel like I'm doing the exact same thing I always do by over analyzing it. So I figure I bring it to a forum to make sure I'm not overlooking a good situation. To me it's tainted but a lot of people are telling me to date him. You see what I see...a serial womanizer. A lot of people see a good situation I shouldn't pass up on. Partially because I'm single. Money isn't the deciding factor...I got my own. In the past I have dated some great guys that I wasn't initially attracted to. |
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Post by Ask Anon on Oct 25, 2017 10:04:03 GMT -5
Fair enough. But if you are going to overanalyze, you need to do it systematically, and as objectively as possible. I've cut and pasted from your posts, and added a few comments:
For:
1. he's really nice.
2. He claims (now) that he has always wanted to date me.
3. I haven't dated in YEARS!!!!!!!! Years.
4. He is really into me. He's always trying to see me and do nice things for me.
5. He's very well established.
Against:
1. I have never looked at him in any way other than a friend, but suddenly he finds you attractive
2. I don't find him attractive
3. He texts me all the time and uses emojis that would be cool if I was into him, but I'm not so it's weird to me.
4. Two baby momma's and two kids. One of his BM's is 22 and he's 47
5. I feel obligated to date him and I feel guilty when I resist him you should never feel obligated to date anyone. You should question why you feel that way.
6. All In all I'm not attracted to him
7. 'gut feelings' / intuition: Don't knock it, it's usually the result of subconscious but real concerns.
I'm sure you could flesh the lists out.
Like him, I don't feel the fact he dated your ex-friend is relevant, but his history as a whole is.
You seem rather obsessed by your ex-friend, which is interesting, but probably not pertinent.
It's also interesting that he now claims she was nothing special and he really was into you all the time.
Plus you need to ask yourself why this is happening now. He obviously does want sex, that's who he is, so "I have never thought about sleeping with him" is either naive or extremely weird. Dating him - to him - will be a tacit admission that sex is on the menu. You can bet your house on that.
Finally, being single isn't a disease, and your friends' pressure is a reflection of their fears about being alone. Or they don't know him like you do.
Point is it's YOUR choice. you can decide on analysis at whatever depth you want - or do what most of us do - decide if you WANT to or not, but obviously considering the risks to yourself, and your long-standing friendship with him. Plus it would probably be unwise to enter a relationship in which he is thinking about sex and you aren't - and it would be unfair on him, unless you forewarned him.
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Post by Gina99 on Oct 25, 2017 11:18:14 GMT -5
And I just want to add that if you never date, and you over analyze men and therefore wind up alone then figure that out. Go to therapy if you need to. But don't date a guy that you aren't attracted to just for the experience. And don't date a guy who treated his girlfriend who really liked him as a sexual plaything while thinking about another girl, if that is even true.
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Post by belovednikki on Oct 25, 2017 11:49:20 GMT -5
Fair enough. But if you are going to overanalyze, you need to do it systematically, and as objectively as possible. I've cut and pasted from your posts, and added a few comments: For: 1. he's really nice. 2. He claims (now) that he has always wanted to date me. 3. I haven't dated in YEARS!!!!!!!! Years. . [ Everything you said is on point!!! Thank you so much for your insight. |
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Post by belovednikki on Oct 25, 2017 11:50:11 GMT -5
And I just want to add that if you never date, and you over analyze men and therefore wind up alone then figure that out. Go to therapy if you need to. But don't date a guy that you aren't attracted to just for the experience. And don't date a guy who treated his girlfriend who really liked him as a sexual plaything while thinking about another girl, if that is even true. I agree with everything you said. |
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Post by jillster on Nov 6, 2017 22:32:46 GMT -5
You aren't attracted to him. This should be your deciding factor. Don't date him just because he wants you and you think he would spoil you.
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