identity problems

Hi! I'm very new to this so if this post is bad or confusing i'm sorry. Please help. Okay so i'm having some friend/sexual identity/crush problems. It's simpler than it sounds. Here we go. I've had a crush on this guy for 3 years now. We used to be in the same class and I think he liked me in the first year I liked him. But then we were too young too date so nothing happened. When we were really little we always went to each others houses (our moms were friends) and he used to kiss me on the cheek and tell me we were going to grow up and get married (I avoided him and found him kinda weird). But this was when we were really little and he didn't know what he was talking about. So then by the time we were old enough to have actual crushes I think he liked me and I slowly developed feelings for him. But by that time it was too late because it was the end of the year and the next year, tons of new kids were coming to our school.So things calmed and I still have a crush on him but he hardly makes eye contact when I look at him. We were never good enough friends to have me now stop him and say hello. So I don't know what to do about that. I definitely have a crush on this guy but i'm too self-conscious and have way too many self-esteem issues to approach him. On another note. I'm confused about my sexual identity. I definitely have a crush on this boy but I find the male form ugly. I can't imagine that is normal for a straight person. on the other hand I like the female form but I could never imagine having a relationship or anything with a girl. It also ties back to my self-esteem issues. I want to have a beautiful delicate female form in a relationship (i want to see that there) but I also want to be the beautiful delicate female form. But i'm not. I don't like myself. so I want a girl there to fill that. I know that sounds awful and superficial and that in a relationship it should be about personalities but I need to look beautiful or else I feel i wasn't enough. So i want a woman to fulfill that. And since I think myself the ugliest person in the world. My standards of beauty for other people is kinda low. 
I sometimes feel slight attraction to women (I like the female form more than the male form though) but I definitely have an attraction to guys. So I might be bisexual. that or straight. PLEASE HELP. I'm sorry I ramble a lot