Post by mysteryguest on Dec 4, 2020 13:10:47 GMT -5
This will probably be a long post since it's partly a vent/organization of my thoughts, so here's a
tl;dr:
Basics:
A little relevant history:
The current issue:
What I'm considering doing about this:
tl;dr:
a friend I've had since high school blocked me on all social media without warning or explanation and has not responded to any attempt I've made to communicate; I'm trying to determine what to do about it especially given that he's in my oldest friend group and hasn't done this to anyone else.
Basics:
I'm a 33yo man, and the friend group in question here consists of people I've known since highschool or earlier and their SO's; they're all mid/late 20's/early 30's. I moved about a year ago, but have kept in contact with this friend group through social media/texting and usually visit on the holidays (prior to covid at least).
A little relevant history:
my friendship with the friend in question (we'll call him Dave) began in HS and went strong for a long time, but I did develop a crush on him in HS (I'm bi) that I kept hidden for years, but eventually revealed to him in college. He told me he was flattered but is 100% straight and only likes me as a friend. He handled it well, and I admittedly didn't. I got sort of needy/clingy, and he eventually responded by blocking me on everything and ignoring me. This lasted for ~2yrs before we finally rekindled our friendship when we met while hanging out with a mutual friend. So that was the first time he pulled something like this, and while he did have an understandable reason I think his solution was a little too extreme. Still, we've since moved past this and are both content to basically pretend it never happened. I no longer have any feelings for him and haven't for years (in fact, I specifically don't want a romantic relationship with him now; even if he offered I'd refuse).
While our friendship was mostly golden apart from the above hiccup, there was an issue: Dave has issues with furries that have gotten progressively worse. While I'm not very overt about it, I am a furry. I "came out" to my friends, Dave included, in HS, and was met with only support and acceptance. I'd get teased about it sometimes, but it was all good natured ribbing, no actual personal attacks or anything. Several years after we'd all finished college, however, Dave started to make disparaging comments towards the fandom in my presence with greater and greater frequency. At first, I just brushed these off, but Dave's distaste started getting more persistent and unhinged. He would, refuse to pick certain characters in games because they were anthropomorphic, loudly disparage shows/movies that featured anthropomorphic characters (like Zootopia for instance), or audibly gag whenever there was an anthropomorphic character onscreen somewhere, stuff like that. I started to call him out on these things when it became apparent that he was actually serious and not just teasing, but we'd never talk about it for long, and aside from those brief outbursts hanging out with him was great.
While our friendship was mostly golden apart from the above hiccup, there was an issue: Dave has issues with furries that have gotten progressively worse. While I'm not very overt about it, I am a furry. I "came out" to my friends, Dave included, in HS, and was met with only support and acceptance. I'd get teased about it sometimes, but it was all good natured ribbing, no actual personal attacks or anything. Several years after we'd all finished college, however, Dave started to make disparaging comments towards the fandom in my presence with greater and greater frequency. At first, I just brushed these off, but Dave's distaste started getting more persistent and unhinged. He would, refuse to pick certain characters in games because they were anthropomorphic, loudly disparage shows/movies that featured anthropomorphic characters (like Zootopia for instance), or audibly gag whenever there was an anthropomorphic character onscreen somewhere, stuff like that. I started to call him out on these things when it became apparent that he was actually serious and not just teasing, but we'd never talk about it for long, and aside from those brief outbursts hanging out with him was great.
The current issue:
Several months ago, I realized that Dave had inexplicably blocked me on Facebook. I texted him but got no response, so I texted a mutual friend and said friend's girlfriend and they told me Dave had been feeling down lately because of a social even he'd basically botched by being too nice. I was advised to just give Dave some time, so I did.
Thanksgiving vacation came up months later. I planned to visit to my home city for the first time since quarantine began. I texted my friends to see if/when they wanted to meet up. Dave didn't respond, but his girlfriend (someone I'd consider a friend separate from him, though I met her through him) did. She told me Dave was planning something for Thanksgiving and she'd get back to me after she got specifics from him. She never did. I tried texting her while I was down there, but no response.
While I was visiting yet another mutual friend I mentioned this situation, and she told me in confidence that Dave told her he was avoiding me, but gave no reason why. Dave and I had mostly been on good terms and barely even had any contact during the covid lockdown, but I was able to recall our last interaction, which was on FB. Dave had commented on art of an "accurately portrayed" biblical angel by saying it was hot/attractive, then commented on a pretty impressive human-sized sculpture of a dragon wearing lingerie (but not overtly suggestive) by saying he disapproved of it because it "promoted bestiality." I responded to his comment on the angel with "but wait, doesn't this promote bestiality?" to which he responded "no because the angel is intelligent," so I sarcastically responded with "right, and dragons like the one in (post) are never depicted as being intelligent or anything right? They're always just mindless beasts!" After making that post, I received a reply notification, but when I went to check it I got a "can't view post" message. At the time, I figured the comment or maybe the post itself had simply been removed and thought nothing of it, but now it seems pretty clear that that was the specific moment he blocked me.
I've tried to reach out to Dave multiple times to no avail, and I haven't discussed this with any of my friends yet (save for the one who told me Dave was avoiding me). I'm currently pretty angry with Dave for this tbh. It's stressed me out and made me wonder if I'd actually done anything to deserve it or if Dave has told any of my other friends about it (which I assume would involve a one-sided attack on me). The extreme level of disrespect and cowardice it demonstrates also isn't lost on me. Still, I'd rather mend fences than burn them if possible, especially considering the potential wedge this drama could drive into our friend group, but given the complete lack of information and Dave's bullheaded refusal to even attempt communication I'm not even sure if that's possible. I do plan to visit for Christmas, which is coming up, so I'll have an opportunity to talk to my non-Dave friends in person.
So really, I'd appreciate some level headed advice on what to do about this. I'd rather not lose Dave as a friend, but I also want him to know that ghosting me like this is not okay. I have a few ideas, but feel free to suggest alternatives if you can think of something better.
Thanksgiving vacation came up months later. I planned to visit to my home city for the first time since quarantine began. I texted my friends to see if/when they wanted to meet up. Dave didn't respond, but his girlfriend (someone I'd consider a friend separate from him, though I met her through him) did. She told me Dave was planning something for Thanksgiving and she'd get back to me after she got specifics from him. She never did. I tried texting her while I was down there, but no response.
While I was visiting yet another mutual friend I mentioned this situation, and she told me in confidence that Dave told her he was avoiding me, but gave no reason why. Dave and I had mostly been on good terms and barely even had any contact during the covid lockdown, but I was able to recall our last interaction, which was on FB. Dave had commented on art of an "accurately portrayed" biblical angel by saying it was hot/attractive, then commented on a pretty impressive human-sized sculpture of a dragon wearing lingerie (but not overtly suggestive) by saying he disapproved of it because it "promoted bestiality." I responded to his comment on the angel with "but wait, doesn't this promote bestiality?" to which he responded "no because the angel is intelligent," so I sarcastically responded with "right, and dragons like the one in (post) are never depicted as being intelligent or anything right? They're always just mindless beasts!" After making that post, I received a reply notification, but when I went to check it I got a "can't view post" message. At the time, I figured the comment or maybe the post itself had simply been removed and thought nothing of it, but now it seems pretty clear that that was the specific moment he blocked me.
I've tried to reach out to Dave multiple times to no avail, and I haven't discussed this with any of my friends yet (save for the one who told me Dave was avoiding me). I'm currently pretty angry with Dave for this tbh. It's stressed me out and made me wonder if I'd actually done anything to deserve it or if Dave has told any of my other friends about it (which I assume would involve a one-sided attack on me). The extreme level of disrespect and cowardice it demonstrates also isn't lost on me. Still, I'd rather mend fences than burn them if possible, especially considering the potential wedge this drama could drive into our friend group, but given the complete lack of information and Dave's bullheaded refusal to even attempt communication I'm not even sure if that's possible. I do plan to visit for Christmas, which is coming up, so I'll have an opportunity to talk to my non-Dave friends in person.
So really, I'd appreciate some level headed advice on what to do about this. I'd rather not lose Dave as a friend, but I also want him to know that ghosting me like this is not okay. I have a few ideas, but feel free to suggest alternatives if you can think of something better.
What I'm considering doing about this:
1. Call my best friends in the group, explain the situation to them, and ask them for their thoughts and/or help in making Dave see reason.
This is sort of the option I'm leaning towards at the moment, since it seems safest. Dave probably hasn't discussed this with my other friends, partially because he doesn't like drama (ironic, I know), but also because I think he might realize he's in the wrong here. I figure doing this might help me find out more about what's actually going on, and even if not would put me in a good social position if fences can't be mended between me and Dave, since I'd come across as the victim who's nonetheless trying to work things out like an mature adult in contrast to Dave, who would indisputably be the aggressor.
2. Get a nice Christmas gift for Dave's girlfriend (as well as my other friends), but obviously not for Dave himself
This one isn't mutually exclusive, and I do plan to get my friends gifts anyway so it would be pretty natural, but obviously it would draw attention to the situation, especially considering I'd likely need to enlist another friend's help to deliver the gift to Dave's gf (which I'd ask them to do secretly) since she's not responding to me either. I think it's a good barb to throw, since it will probably get Dave's attention (I expect he'd find out about it) and would also probably help my friendship with Dave's gf.
3. Block Dave back, cut him out of my life, and do my best to ignore him while quietly remaining in the same friend group
Kind of my least favorite option...I don't like just ignoring socially toxic behavior (bigotry, racism, abusiveness, etc.), I think behavior like that should be called out and corrected, at least in egregious cases like this or the examples I listed. I also don't like the idea of needing to dance around each other to keep hanging out with our other friends. This is, however, probably a fairly safe option. I don't think Dave would try to turn the others against me, I expect he'd be content to ignore me too. Of course, I also didn't expect him to ghost me, so I clearly can't predict his actions perfectly...
4. Same as #3, except instead of ignoring the situation do my best to turn the other friends in the group against Dave by exposing his bigotry, hypocrisy, and childish/inconsiderate behavior towards me.
This one is definitely fueled by my anger, frustration, and pain at Dave's actions towards me, and is easily the most dangerous option. Both Dave and I have great social skills, but Dave would probably have an advantage since he actually lives near my other friends and I don't. Still, if I catch wind that Dave is trying to do this to me I'll certainly retaliate.
This is sort of the option I'm leaning towards at the moment, since it seems safest. Dave probably hasn't discussed this with my other friends, partially because he doesn't like drama (ironic, I know), but also because I think he might realize he's in the wrong here. I figure doing this might help me find out more about what's actually going on, and even if not would put me in a good social position if fences can't be mended between me and Dave, since I'd come across as the victim who's nonetheless trying to work things out like an mature adult in contrast to Dave, who would indisputably be the aggressor.
2. Get a nice Christmas gift for Dave's girlfriend (as well as my other friends), but obviously not for Dave himself
This one isn't mutually exclusive, and I do plan to get my friends gifts anyway so it would be pretty natural, but obviously it would draw attention to the situation, especially considering I'd likely need to enlist another friend's help to deliver the gift to Dave's gf (which I'd ask them to do secretly) since she's not responding to me either. I think it's a good barb to throw, since it will probably get Dave's attention (I expect he'd find out about it) and would also probably help my friendship with Dave's gf.
3. Block Dave back, cut him out of my life, and do my best to ignore him while quietly remaining in the same friend group
Kind of my least favorite option...I don't like just ignoring socially toxic behavior (bigotry, racism, abusiveness, etc.), I think behavior like that should be called out and corrected, at least in egregious cases like this or the examples I listed. I also don't like the idea of needing to dance around each other to keep hanging out with our other friends. This is, however, probably a fairly safe option. I don't think Dave would try to turn the others against me, I expect he'd be content to ignore me too. Of course, I also didn't expect him to ghost me, so I clearly can't predict his actions perfectly...
4. Same as #3, except instead of ignoring the situation do my best to turn the other friends in the group against Dave by exposing his bigotry, hypocrisy, and childish/inconsiderate behavior towards me.
This one is definitely fueled by my anger, frustration, and pain at Dave's actions towards me, and is easily the most dangerous option. Both Dave and I have great social skills, but Dave would probably have an advantage since he actually lives near my other friends and I don't. Still, if I catch wind that Dave is trying to do this to me I'll certainly retaliate.
