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Post by poutypeoplepleaser on Jun 8, 2018 6:14:59 GMT -5
I feel like I'm being a horrible friend by having to consistently say no to a dear friend. I'm finding that the requests are actually becoming more and more senseless. I work from home and my job is extremely demanding, I work more hours than the couple in question - combined. In the past I have had issues with "friends" thinking this means I am available at all time to talk, have coffee, run errands and generally help them with daily activities. I rarely ask for help, and enjoy the satisfaction of getting things done by myself...I tend to be a loner. Recently a good friend with children has been asking me to help. I'm beginning to feel guilty. At first I offered to be around for emergencies. The emergencies turned into - her and her SO simply not wanting to take the kids with them to do regular activities like grocery shopping, errands, etc. I barely have any personal time as it is. I'm not to keen on watching kids so she can go to the salon, when I rarely have time to do those things for myself. I understand they are having a hard time managing and coping...but don't we all? I would like to offer help on my own terms when I am available. Right now I feel like every time we talk I get asked to run an errand or watch the kids. I almost always start with saying no, but occasionally get roped into it anyway. I do not have children. I want to support my friend and I love them dearly but they get a lot of help as it is. I'm worried that these requests are already wearing on everyone and soon I'll be the only one left around. Yes, I do have a flexible schedule, but if I sacrifice hours of my day I'm just getting behind on my duties. Also, they tend to always be late to relieve me. I have only agreed to help a few times a month right now. I get the feeling from the frequency of requests that this is just going to become a much worse issue. I have already had a conversation - stating that I am very busy, I'm not a huge fan of being responsible for children but I am willing to be there in case of emergencies. I guess I just don't know where to go with this now. Do I suck it up and stop being "selfish" with my time? Or do I just continue to say no to every request? Do I continue to have the same conversation about my willingness to help out? I dont want this to mess up the friendship, but Im beginning to avoid her. Am I being taken advantage of or am I reading to far into this?
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Post by Ask Anon on Jun 9, 2018 3:45:37 GMT -5
I almost always start with saying no, but occasionally get roped into it anyway. There's your problem, right there. I cannot tell for sure whether these people are consciously using you, or are simply a poorly run family who unthinkingly have come to rely on your generosity. But one thing I'm sure about is that they are not mind readers. Say yes, say no - whatever - but stick to what you said. Don't get into a debate about it, just say 'sorry I can't [ whatever]'. When they ask why not, or rephrase it or ... just say 'sorry'. And then 'sorry' again. And then 'Gotta go, talk soon'. Obviously, rewrite the script as you would say it. Be consistent, be straight, be firm. Don't be rude. Just do it occasionally, then gradually increase. Make it easier by filling your diary with 'things to do' - it's much easier to say 'no I'm busy' when you are busy! It might also help to mark a calendar each time they ask, indicating whether you said yes or no; and also mark that days you helped them out. Then you can see how the load decreases; eventually, you'll see the number of requests reduce as well. But before you start, think on this: there is a chance that you will lose the friendship; after all, you are taking away something you have allowed them to believe is a 'right' to use your time. Are you prepared for that possibility? And avoiding that is why it's vital not to get into discussion. Just Say No, or they'll guilt and threaten. You don't want to even have that conversation. |
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Post by Gina99 on Jun 10, 2018 17:37:39 GMT -5
How are you being selfish with your time?
You are being a pushover. This couple is using you.
"I would like to offer help on my own terms when I am available."
Then do it-the next time they ask you to do something. Be clear about when and for what you are available.
"I have already had a conversation "
Then stop talking and show them with your actions. Don't answer their call or return their texts during your workday. Tell them your job is now getting busier.
No matter how awful they are or become, they are not mind readers
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vint
First Post!
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Post by vint on Jun 16, 2018 18:37:04 GMT -5
They are taking advantage you seem to feel like you have to help them. It does not matter whether u have some spare time that time is your to spend how u like. They have no regard for you trips to the salon just cant happen if they cant fit it around the kids themselves.
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Post by cdalegirl on Dec 12, 2018 13:36:31 GMT -5
In my opinion, being there for them with an actual emergency, but I think your friend is just taking advantage of you. However, in the end, it is on you to stand your ground. Just say no and stick to it. Also, does she do favors for you? Or is this completely one-sided? I would say this friendship isn't worth your time with the information given.
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Post by Gina99 on Dec 12, 2018 19:57:32 GMT -5
“favors for you? Or is this completely one-sided? I would say this friendship isn't worth your time with the information given.”
Cdalegirl maybe you should take your own advice regarding your other post.
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Post by poutypeoplepleaser on Dec 20, 2018 16:19:09 GMT -5
UPDATE: So months later...I have steadily declined requests. On a very rare occasion I will help with a small favor when it fits into my day. However, it's the non-stop asking for any and everything that is driving me nuts. If I say yes or no - it seems it does not affect the frequency more requests. I'm getting concerned that I'm going to have to confront the issue and that it will cause some upset.
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Post by Gina99 on Dec 28, 2018 8:45:40 GMT -5
Is the friendship worth it? Do you have a friendship outside of them asking for help? If not, end it. Confront her about it. Its ok if it causes upset. They have caused upset with you for a long time It’s a growing up and learning moment for you.
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