Am I looking for an excuse to cheat on my partner?

Apologies for any mistakes in the text I'm using my phone to make this post. I (28f) have been with my partner (30m) for 4.5 years. At the beginning of the relationship we had alot of sex and derire for one enother. I had high sex drive and masturbated quite often too. As year went by I felt less and less stimulated to have sex and masturbated less and less. At this point I probably masturbated twise last year and that was even hard to get into and never feel like initiating sex. It felt mor elike a task than a pleasurable activityI still enjoy it but I really need to be warmed up to enjoy myself fully. My partner noised my lowered sex drive and even said I. asaxual. I go to the gym and about a month ago I felt super attracted to one of the patrons there. I didn't fall in love I just wanted him for his body. I felt soo horny and fantasised about him. It made want to engage in sexual activity with my partner. I didn't present it was the other guy I was just very horny. It made me think about my sexuality I started to do some reading. I came across articles that women actually can want to have multiple partners and seek out open relationships. I thought about it for a bit and decided to propose it to my partner. I showed him some red talk and articles that women can require novelty in sex and it had nothing to do with him not being good enough. He's very kind, attractive and smart man. I love him with all my heart so instead of pursuing my urges and leaving him I thought we could save the relationship by occasionally dating other people. Just like I suspected this proposition hit him like a ton of bricks. He was so heart and I tried to comfort him the best I could. It was very painful to see him so hurt. In the end he understood me but still couldn't change the way he felt pain from this information. I feel like at this point I will lose half of myself. Either I lose the love of my life, or los epart of myself. Not having libido kind of feels like you have been castrated. It feels like you will never taste one of fundamental senses in human nature. I am willing to sacrifice that feeling to stay with him but I feel kind of empty now. Am I just looking for an excuse to cheat on my partner?

P. S. I really enjoy shows about call girls it allows me to fantasise about having sex with different poeple. I thought I'll just throw it in here.