Post by qwertybrosky123 on Jan 30, 2021 14:54:37 GMT -5
Lemme preface this by saying this is gonna be the most desperate story you’ve ever heard and I swear there must be something wrong with me but whatever.
Ok so I met this girl in Grade 6, while she was visiting our school (she switched in Grade 7) and I immediately got a crush. Don’t ask how, I don’t know either. It was a very grade 6 crush — literally consisted of feelings that just involved me wanting to become best friends with her — I had multiple dreams during that time to that effect. Ok grade 7 comes now she’s in my class. Somehow the crush wasn’t gone by then. Being a dumbass grade 7, who was admittedly the "Rear End" of the class (I have since changed dramatically and cringe at how I behaved then) I thought the best way to get her attention was to be a total thingy. You can imagine how that went. She hated my guts. Grade 8, same thing. Ok now this is the part that things acc start to happen.
I switch schools in grade 9. Crush goes away, fast. However the new school wasn’t working — I was bored out of my mind academically and was getting bullied and yea. Just didn’t work. So, I went back to my old school for the 2nd half of grade 9. By then I had gone thru a lot of changes, being bullied put me in my place and I realized like what a dumbass I was for how I behaved in 7-8. The crush came flooding back, if not worse than before (but same sort of thoughts, don’t ask how, but it’s literally never, in the huge long time I’ve liked her, been a sexually motivated crush). Sparing the details, I went from hated to having her number (for school work ofc) to her like low level friend by the end of grade 9. By the end of grade 10 I was obsessed. My whole life revolves around her and making her happy. My dumbass thought that it was working, which it was in a “friends” way, but as everyone knows nice guys like that finish last and that uhh couldn’t be more factual in this case. Anyways. End of grade 10, through some sad realization that I’d never be with her and some creeping feeling that she was starting to figure it out, I didn’t ask her out (bc I knew I’d be instantaneously rejected) but I just told her that “I had a crush on her .... but now I was over it”. That made things rocky, as you might expect, but it was was it was.
Grade 11 was the worst. I was trying to convince myself I didn’t like her anymore (which I quite obviously did) she was on my mind LITERALLY 24/7, on the bus, at home, I would take major personal L’s if it would help her out (mostly school related, like staying up to text her to help her with her work until stupid late times and then having to do mine until really stupid late times and running on 4hrs of sleep regularly) and things like that. Anyways. She also got a boyfriend (lasted about a month) that year and holy f**k the guy was an "Rear End". My feelings aside, I kept tryna warn her but she didn’t want to listen... I ended up super jealous and super angry. Context for this next part, she’s ridiculously Christian, I’m atheist, he was atheist. He wanted sex (suprise suprise, not like I saw that one coming a mile away). She kept telling him no, and I don’t have full context but basically he would spend hours at a time trying to convince her and would just spend the entire time they were together trying to convince her or being mad. After they broke up because of that, she told me she felt “judged by god” (for kissing and stuff like that) and swore up and down that she would never date a non-Christian again. I f**k**g imploded. I was jealous, angry, sad, all at the same time. I don’t really feel like I need to explain why — I know those are her beliefs and I can’t change them but really? All my remote chances ended because of one "Rear End" kid that just have easily could have been a Christian but just wasn’t (I know plenty of Christian boys who are not devout, don’t wait for sex, are complete dicks)? It is the common view of a non-religious person that attitudes like that are extremely small minded, I apologize if that has offended, but I’m simply just stating a fact of non-religious “beliefs”. Point is I couldn’t believe that she was that type of person.
After that things just started to go downhill. I was upset (although not visibly), she still wasn’t 100% comfortable with me after the end of grade 10, and it was just an uncomfortable situation. We still texted for hours and hours a day (just realized I didn’t mention that earlier, we had been doing that for about a year by that point) but I was still always upset somewhere in the back of my mind and she was still uncomfortable. Not much happened for the rest of that year, a few disagreements, resolved (I’d tell you but I can’t remember what they were).
Ok grade 12 — by this point she was comfortable with me again (so she claims), and I had settled down. This was do or die time for me (metaphorically) and I was just trying everything to be there for her as much as possible (#1 simp of 2019). I’d go to all her volleyball games to support her, still spend hours a day helping her or talking to her when I needed to be doing my own work, etc. It was always one of my major ‘complaints’ that she never would hang out with me and was always with her group of girl friends when she was at school. She also would barely talk to me at school, be way more friendly with literally everyone else, and that sorta got me down. So like I asked her essentially like what is it about me, like why are you better friends with everyone else in person and then as soon as you hit home I’m like one of 3 people you talk to (others being her best friend and her cousin). And the answer was something along the lines of well ur one of my best friends so I’m sorry if it seems like that but it’s really not (if I’ve become the villain in your guys’ minds by now then there’s not much I can say but please trust me when I say she DID NOT talk to me at school it was really weird and uncomfortable she’d act all laughy and cutesy with everyone else and super friendly and then only talk to me if nobody was around which happened I don’t know, a grand total of twice). Sure there was the passing “hi” but nothing that you’d expect from a typical friendship. So again I asked like why? Like please if you aren’t comfortable with me let me know that’s ok I would understand, and I’d let her be and leave her alone, but she kept denying it. We had a major argument to that effect after she went to camp and came back even closer to those people than she was before, which again, alright, but don’t lie to me if you don’t feel comfortable with me or if I’m not really one of your friends anymore. Time passed, stuff settled down we were fine. But like I needed to know. So I tried to hang out with her like I tried to find time to be with her without 7 other people around that she would happily talk to all of them before talking to me. And I wasn’t making it weird I wasn’t making it some let’s go downtown date type shit, it was just around school. I think I tried about 8 separate times — there was an excuse not to do it every single time, and the one time she DID agree, people came along and joined and well it just defeated the purpose. That was near the end of grade 12. At that point I felt lied to, strung along, you name it and we were going to different universities which even with how upset I was, I was sad about. I knew that after how she had behaved in grade 12 that our friendship wouldn’t last outside of being at the same school.
And well, it hasn’t. I still talk to her occasionally, maybe 1-2x per week 7-8 texts, it’s really painful every time. I’ve had a lot of negative thoughts about her, she has alot of views of the world that I didn’t know she had that I just absolutely completely disagree with, I come from a family background of medicine and I was errr quite unhappy when I found out how she was behaving in regards to COVID, stemming from her family’s apparent lack of belief in modern medicine but again that’s all faith related and I’ll try to keep out of it. I thought I was over her is the point. I had a girlfriend inbetween then and now (online, took me about a week after the breakup to ask myself wtf I thought I was doing but whatever lmao), and idk. She just hasn’t been on my mind much.
But then the last 2 days I’ve had successive dreams — 1st I can’t remember well, it had something to do with talking to her and feeling the crush wave all over again, and last night (for the first time dream wise lol), I dreamed uhhhh that we both fell in love, kinda weird, and I woke up with a really sudden longing for things to go back to how they used to be when we were (talking at home) super close.
Ok advice I’m asking for is this: clearly something in my head is not over her if I’m still dreaming about her. I want to be over her. What do I have to do. And please don’t be rude or mean, I know I’m at fault for a lot of what happened and just, idk I’m kindly asking for help, not judgment.
TL;DR: ridiculously long crush on a girl, bordering on one sided love, that I thought I was over, but have had successive dreams about implying I’m not over it, and I don’t know what to do to get over it. But ngl there’s a lot of important context in the body of this.
Ok so I met this girl in Grade 6, while she was visiting our school (she switched in Grade 7) and I immediately got a crush. Don’t ask how, I don’t know either. It was a very grade 6 crush — literally consisted of feelings that just involved me wanting to become best friends with her — I had multiple dreams during that time to that effect. Ok grade 7 comes now she’s in my class. Somehow the crush wasn’t gone by then. Being a dumbass grade 7, who was admittedly the "Rear End" of the class (I have since changed dramatically and cringe at how I behaved then) I thought the best way to get her attention was to be a total thingy. You can imagine how that went. She hated my guts. Grade 8, same thing. Ok now this is the part that things acc start to happen.
I switch schools in grade 9. Crush goes away, fast. However the new school wasn’t working — I was bored out of my mind academically and was getting bullied and yea. Just didn’t work. So, I went back to my old school for the 2nd half of grade 9. By then I had gone thru a lot of changes, being bullied put me in my place and I realized like what a dumbass I was for how I behaved in 7-8. The crush came flooding back, if not worse than before (but same sort of thoughts, don’t ask how, but it’s literally never, in the huge long time I’ve liked her, been a sexually motivated crush). Sparing the details, I went from hated to having her number (for school work ofc) to her like low level friend by the end of grade 9. By the end of grade 10 I was obsessed. My whole life revolves around her and making her happy. My dumbass thought that it was working, which it was in a “friends” way, but as everyone knows nice guys like that finish last and that uhh couldn’t be more factual in this case. Anyways. End of grade 10, through some sad realization that I’d never be with her and some creeping feeling that she was starting to figure it out, I didn’t ask her out (bc I knew I’d be instantaneously rejected) but I just told her that “I had a crush on her .... but now I was over it”. That made things rocky, as you might expect, but it was was it was.
Grade 11 was the worst. I was trying to convince myself I didn’t like her anymore (which I quite obviously did) she was on my mind LITERALLY 24/7, on the bus, at home, I would take major personal L’s if it would help her out (mostly school related, like staying up to text her to help her with her work until stupid late times and then having to do mine until really stupid late times and running on 4hrs of sleep regularly) and things like that. Anyways. She also got a boyfriend (lasted about a month) that year and holy f**k the guy was an "Rear End". My feelings aside, I kept tryna warn her but she didn’t want to listen... I ended up super jealous and super angry. Context for this next part, she’s ridiculously Christian, I’m atheist, he was atheist. He wanted sex (suprise suprise, not like I saw that one coming a mile away). She kept telling him no, and I don’t have full context but basically he would spend hours at a time trying to convince her and would just spend the entire time they were together trying to convince her or being mad. After they broke up because of that, she told me she felt “judged by god” (for kissing and stuff like that) and swore up and down that she would never date a non-Christian again. I f**k**g imploded. I was jealous, angry, sad, all at the same time. I don’t really feel like I need to explain why — I know those are her beliefs and I can’t change them but really? All my remote chances ended because of one "Rear End" kid that just have easily could have been a Christian but just wasn’t (I know plenty of Christian boys who are not devout, don’t wait for sex, are complete dicks)? It is the common view of a non-religious person that attitudes like that are extremely small minded, I apologize if that has offended, but I’m simply just stating a fact of non-religious “beliefs”. Point is I couldn’t believe that she was that type of person.
After that things just started to go downhill. I was upset (although not visibly), she still wasn’t 100% comfortable with me after the end of grade 10, and it was just an uncomfortable situation. We still texted for hours and hours a day (just realized I didn’t mention that earlier, we had been doing that for about a year by that point) but I was still always upset somewhere in the back of my mind and she was still uncomfortable. Not much happened for the rest of that year, a few disagreements, resolved (I’d tell you but I can’t remember what they were).
Ok grade 12 — by this point she was comfortable with me again (so she claims), and I had settled down. This was do or die time for me (metaphorically) and I was just trying everything to be there for her as much as possible (#1 simp of 2019). I’d go to all her volleyball games to support her, still spend hours a day helping her or talking to her when I needed to be doing my own work, etc. It was always one of my major ‘complaints’ that she never would hang out with me and was always with her group of girl friends when she was at school. She also would barely talk to me at school, be way more friendly with literally everyone else, and that sorta got me down. So like I asked her essentially like what is it about me, like why are you better friends with everyone else in person and then as soon as you hit home I’m like one of 3 people you talk to (others being her best friend and her cousin). And the answer was something along the lines of well ur one of my best friends so I’m sorry if it seems like that but it’s really not (if I’ve become the villain in your guys’ minds by now then there’s not much I can say but please trust me when I say she DID NOT talk to me at school it was really weird and uncomfortable she’d act all laughy and cutesy with everyone else and super friendly and then only talk to me if nobody was around which happened I don’t know, a grand total of twice). Sure there was the passing “hi” but nothing that you’d expect from a typical friendship. So again I asked like why? Like please if you aren’t comfortable with me let me know that’s ok I would understand, and I’d let her be and leave her alone, but she kept denying it. We had a major argument to that effect after she went to camp and came back even closer to those people than she was before, which again, alright, but don’t lie to me if you don’t feel comfortable with me or if I’m not really one of your friends anymore. Time passed, stuff settled down we were fine. But like I needed to know. So I tried to hang out with her like I tried to find time to be with her without 7 other people around that she would happily talk to all of them before talking to me. And I wasn’t making it weird I wasn’t making it some let’s go downtown date type shit, it was just around school. I think I tried about 8 separate times — there was an excuse not to do it every single time, and the one time she DID agree, people came along and joined and well it just defeated the purpose. That was near the end of grade 12. At that point I felt lied to, strung along, you name it and we were going to different universities which even with how upset I was, I was sad about. I knew that after how she had behaved in grade 12 that our friendship wouldn’t last outside of being at the same school.
And well, it hasn’t. I still talk to her occasionally, maybe 1-2x per week 7-8 texts, it’s really painful every time. I’ve had a lot of negative thoughts about her, she has alot of views of the world that I didn’t know she had that I just absolutely completely disagree with, I come from a family background of medicine and I was errr quite unhappy when I found out how she was behaving in regards to COVID, stemming from her family’s apparent lack of belief in modern medicine but again that’s all faith related and I’ll try to keep out of it. I thought I was over her is the point. I had a girlfriend inbetween then and now (online, took me about a week after the breakup to ask myself wtf I thought I was doing but whatever lmao), and idk. She just hasn’t been on my mind much.
But then the last 2 days I’ve had successive dreams — 1st I can’t remember well, it had something to do with talking to her and feeling the crush wave all over again, and last night (for the first time dream wise lol), I dreamed uhhhh that we both fell in love, kinda weird, and I woke up with a really sudden longing for things to go back to how they used to be when we were (talking at home) super close.
Ok advice I’m asking for is this: clearly something in my head is not over her if I’m still dreaming about her. I want to be over her. What do I have to do. And please don’t be rude or mean, I know I’m at fault for a lot of what happened and just, idk I’m kindly asking for help, not judgment.
TL;DR: ridiculously long crush on a girl, bordering on one sided love, that I thought I was over, but have had successive dreams about implying I’m not over it, and I don’t know what to do to get over it. But ngl there’s a lot of important context in the body of this.
