Post by alice on Sept 25, 2017 20:35:17 GMT -5
This is mostly just a lot of rambling and it probably sounds selfish, but I never get to talk about this stuff, like ever. So please, just deal with me and correct me where needed.
Firstly, I....have a hard time believing that I really have 'friends'. One of the girls that I'd say I'm closest to is one I still have very mixed views about. From the start, we met in middle school. Honestly, she was one of those girls where just by being around her you could feel your reputation dropping. Not to say I was ever popular, but at the time my reputation was very important to me and I was trying desperately to climb out of the 'unpopular' group into the 'middle' section. (By being in the middle, I was just kind of 'whatever' to everyone. No more bullying, no more competition. I was set. However, I didn't achieve this until my senior year of high-school, but I'll get more into that later.) I had managed to become good friends with one of the 'popular' girls, so I no longer had to sit alone and had a group of friends where I was one of the core members. I was finally involved with things, hanging out constantly and having my phone blow up with texts. It is still one of the highlights of my time in middle school, even considering that middle school was horrible. Then, she showed up. For the sake of privacy and fear that this might be found, I'm going to call her Anna. Anna was a nice girl, sure. But a total loser. Sorry to say it, but that's what she was. I never cared much for her, quite frankly I didn't think anyone did either. You see, she just started sitting at our table one day, totally uninvited. Like seriously, are you that dense? This table is for our group of friends, go sit with the other loners or stand. Normally, I wouldn't even mind. Other girls had tried what she was trying of course, but none of us took to her so we simply ignored them until they went away. However, this wasn't always available. Since the tables were packed and we chose this general area as ours, whenever she sat with us she was always taking someone's seat. Since I liked to sit next to my friend, it would usually be mine. This continued on for months, and after awhile my friends gave up on telling her that it was my seat, so there she stayed. Just like that, she took my place.
That was only the start of Anna's pattern. She went and took my friends, my spot, for years after that until we graduated high-school.Honestly, if I sound angry it's because I am. I had just moved to a new school, I was getting friends and becoming liked again and some....nobody just strolls in and takes that? Go create your own opportunities, instead of stealing them from others!
I was very close with my friend. I rarely meet someone who I truly understand and understands me back. We went from nearly best-friends to strangers, having a brief and awkward conversation in the school hallway during class. She wanted to act like we were still close, while I had lost all regards for her and just felt utterly alone after she continued to allow Anna take my place. To top it all off, during high-school Anna notifies me that my old friend is sick, and is going to be moving back with some of her family soon. Like oh, way to remind me what I lost. Totally f**k**g appreciate it. I should've been the one to know that first! She acted like she was close to me, said she was, so when did she change her mind and why didn't she let me know?
This is only one friend. Cut to high-school. I become friends with another girl. Nice girl, full of confidence, a bit naive but not embarrassingly so. I join a club there, a small one. Anna has some issue with this girl, claiming that she's trying to take over her role as the vp of the club, and that people listen to her more. Well, here's the kicker: Maybe people listened to Nice Girl more, because she actually spoke up and made herself approachable. You can't help control a club when you're barely speaking above a whisper and you just let people walk all over you. If the club needs to shut up, tell them to shut up! If you aren't willing to do your job, then why did you accept the role? For a moment, I felt like I could look past what happened in middle school, and that I might have a friend group that gets along once again. Of course, things did not turn out that way. Within our group, Anna constantly started drama. Not the type where everyone notices it, and makes a mutual decision to cut out this negative person. The oh, I'm so insecure, so you better be nice to me or I'm gonna tell the president and get you all kicked out of the club! Kind of behavior. Apparently, a lot of people from our grade noticed this act, because all of a sudden Anna was the 'weird girl' and someone you shouldn't hang around. Again, I bite my tongue. Eventually, we all break apart, leaving us in groups of two or three, some of us completely alone. I later find out, that many of the members, alike to myself, simply got tired of her shit and decided to leave. During this, I'm picking back up the broken pieces, yet again, and I start to mend my reputation. I start to do certain things, such as presenting willingly during class, changing my hair style, talking to people more, even those 'popular' kids that Anna legit said 'ew' around. I make myself into a normal student and realize, hey, we're all high-school students, so why the hell are we pushing these stereotypes onto each-other? The rich boy and cheerleader were nice kids, even though god knows Anna would never admit that. Anna sees these changes, and just....seems to casually copy me? I can't say if it was honestly her attention but like, I had this look first, tf you doing? Friends don't copy each-other. Since I put myself off as having the general idea of what I'm doing, my plan of course works for her too, and there she goes, her reputation once again head-to-head with mine. At this point, I'm still quiet but unwilling to back down. I continually butt heads with her, getting to the point where I told myself that if she does this one more time, I'm calling her out. I don't care what it'll do to her image. I have friends again, I'm not losing them to her again! Regardless of this, I still had countless days where I hung out with her during lunch, because I didn't want to be alone. We existed peacefully then, even if only on the outside.
Thankfully, that one more time never came. She backed off and started doing her own thing. Though her style is certainly questionable, it's still hers. This essay finally nears the conclusion, in possibly the worst and best way.
Anna, is not intentionally harmful to me. She also just moved to a new school. She also was just trying to make friends. I'm about 70% sure that if at the time I had told her what she was doing to me, she'd back down. Yet, where would she be? Where I ended up? Completely alone? Struggling to maintain friends even to this day? Feeling like she'll never be on the invite list? I...I know I'm too nice in regards with this for my own good. I know I'm confusing. I know that it isn't right to be both angry and sad at the same time. A mix between bitterness and loneliness. But I don't want to hurt her. We're alike in a lot of ways, honestly. To the point of where it's almost scary. The big difference is our execution. I want to become closer to her, I'm willing to give her another chance regardless of how much she's personally "had intercourse with" me over. I don't make friends easily, and even if it's pathetic I'm gonna hold on onto any old friends until I convince myself to let go. I can't stand the thought of me being happy, perfectly aware that she's stuck. Is there really not a way that we both can co-exist without hurting each-other? For both of us to be content?
Maybe I can't see this any other way, but to me it'll always be at the expense of one of us. Every time I have more than her, she desperately and successfully works to catch up. While she has more than me, I try to catch up, but rarely get any closer to the result I desire. She has the life that I used to have, and would still have if I had spoken up and told her to back off. I'm envious of her life and her friends, but I have no choice but to bite the feelings and face the consequences of my actions at this point. Even as I type this, I'm angry at her for not inviting me to outings with our friends. Yet, I don't want to just walk away. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm horribly misunderstanding this? Don't tell me to simply confront her, because I'm sure that upon telling her that she hurt me, that's going to hurt her feelings as well, and she'll still expect an apology from me: the normally tolerant friend.
I'm also going to contradict myself, one last time. I'm giving this to the new year. We should be having Halloween and Christmas parties together, where I'll muse over this more. I'm asking for your thoughts on our relationship, or really any commentary. Advice included. I don't know where to go at this point, short of preparing a speech to type to her in January. Years later, we're still getting along, but I can't help but feel that she's just pulling the light out of my life and saving it for herself. Would it be better to just cut it off, for the sake of my mental health? Am I really going to let my insecurity end a long friendship without giving her a chance?
(And yes, I'm going to type it and show it to her. I don't care what one of you might think, I'm not good with my words on the spot. It'll be easier for me to rehearse what I want to say, so I send to her just what I think, nothing more or less.)
I'm sorry this is so long, and thank you if you're still reading this. Again, I implore to leave your thoughts, ideas, and advice. I really do not know where else to go from here. I don't want to just have to cut her off too, but if push comes to shove, I'm not going to continue making myself miserable so she can thrive.
Firstly, I....have a hard time believing that I really have 'friends'. One of the girls that I'd say I'm closest to is one I still have very mixed views about. From the start, we met in middle school. Honestly, she was one of those girls where just by being around her you could feel your reputation dropping. Not to say I was ever popular, but at the time my reputation was very important to me and I was trying desperately to climb out of the 'unpopular' group into the 'middle' section. (By being in the middle, I was just kind of 'whatever' to everyone. No more bullying, no more competition. I was set. However, I didn't achieve this until my senior year of high-school, but I'll get more into that later.) I had managed to become good friends with one of the 'popular' girls, so I no longer had to sit alone and had a group of friends where I was one of the core members. I was finally involved with things, hanging out constantly and having my phone blow up with texts. It is still one of the highlights of my time in middle school, even considering that middle school was horrible. Then, she showed up. For the sake of privacy and fear that this might be found, I'm going to call her Anna. Anna was a nice girl, sure. But a total loser. Sorry to say it, but that's what she was. I never cared much for her, quite frankly I didn't think anyone did either. You see, she just started sitting at our table one day, totally uninvited. Like seriously, are you that dense? This table is for our group of friends, go sit with the other loners or stand. Normally, I wouldn't even mind. Other girls had tried what she was trying of course, but none of us took to her so we simply ignored them until they went away. However, this wasn't always available. Since the tables were packed and we chose this general area as ours, whenever she sat with us she was always taking someone's seat. Since I liked to sit next to my friend, it would usually be mine. This continued on for months, and after awhile my friends gave up on telling her that it was my seat, so there she stayed. Just like that, she took my place.
That was only the start of Anna's pattern. She went and took my friends, my spot, for years after that until we graduated high-school.
This is only one friend. Cut to high-school. I become friends with another girl. Nice girl, full of confidence, a bit naive but not embarrassingly so. I join a club there, a small one. Anna has some issue with this girl, claiming that she's trying to take over her role as the vp of the club, and that people listen to her more. Well, here's the kicker: Maybe people listened to Nice Girl more, because she actually spoke up and made herself approachable. You can't help control a club when you're barely speaking above a whisper and you just let people walk all over you. If the club needs to shut up, tell them to shut up! If you aren't willing to do your job, then why did you accept the role? For a moment, I felt like I could look past what happened in middle school, and that I might have a friend group that gets along once again. Of course, things did not turn out that way. Within our group, Anna constantly started drama. Not the type where everyone notices it, and makes a mutual decision to cut out this negative person. The oh, I'm so insecure, so you better be nice to me or I'm gonna tell the president and get you all kicked out of the club! Kind of behavior. Apparently, a lot of people from our grade noticed this act, because all of a sudden Anna was the 'weird girl' and someone you shouldn't hang around. Again, I bite my tongue. Eventually, we all break apart, leaving us in groups of two or three, some of us completely alone. I later find out, that many of the members, alike to myself, simply got tired of her shit and decided to leave. During this, I'm picking back up the broken pieces, yet again, and I start to mend my reputation. I start to do certain things, such as presenting willingly during class, changing my hair style, talking to people more, even those 'popular' kids that Anna legit said 'ew' around. I make myself into a normal student and realize, hey, we're all high-school students, so why the hell are we pushing these stereotypes onto each-other? The rich boy and cheerleader were nice kids, even though god knows Anna would never admit that. Anna sees these changes, and just....seems to casually copy me? I can't say if it was honestly her attention but like, I had this look first, tf you doing? Friends don't copy each-other. Since I put myself off as having the general idea of what I'm doing, my plan of course works for her too, and there she goes, her reputation once again head-to-head with mine. At this point, I'm still quiet but unwilling to back down. I continually butt heads with her, getting to the point where I told myself that if she does this one more time, I'm calling her out. I don't care what it'll do to her image. I have friends again, I'm not losing them to her again! Regardless of this, I still had countless days where I hung out with her during lunch, because I didn't want to be alone. We existed peacefully then, even if only on the outside.
Thankfully, that one more time never came. She backed off and started doing her own thing. Though her style is certainly questionable, it's still hers. This essay finally nears the conclusion, in possibly the worst and best way.
Anna, is not intentionally harmful to me. She also just moved to a new school. She also was just trying to make friends. I'm about 70% sure that if at the time I had told her what she was doing to me, she'd back down. Yet, where would she be? Where I ended up? Completely alone? Struggling to maintain friends even to this day? Feeling like she'll never be on the invite list? I...I know I'm too nice in regards with this for my own good. I know I'm confusing. I know that it isn't right to be both angry and sad at the same time. A mix between bitterness and loneliness. But I don't want to hurt her. We're alike in a lot of ways, honestly. To the point of where it's almost scary. The big difference is our execution. I want to become closer to her, I'm willing to give her another chance regardless of how much she's personally "had intercourse with" me over. I don't make friends easily, and even if it's pathetic I'm gonna hold on onto any old friends until I convince myself to let go. I can't stand the thought of me being happy, perfectly aware that she's stuck. Is there really not a way that we both can co-exist without hurting each-other? For both of us to be content?
Maybe I can't see this any other way, but to me it'll always be at the expense of one of us. Every time I have more than her, she desperately and successfully works to catch up. While she has more than me, I try to catch up, but rarely get any closer to the result I desire. She has the life that I used to have, and would still have if I had spoken up and told her to back off. I'm envious of her life and her friends, but I have no choice but to bite the feelings and face the consequences of my actions at this point. Even as I type this, I'm angry at her for not inviting me to outings with our friends. Yet, I don't want to just walk away. What if I'm wrong? What if I'm horribly misunderstanding this? Don't tell me to simply confront her, because I'm sure that upon telling her that she hurt me, that's going to hurt her feelings as well, and she'll still expect an apology from me: the normally tolerant friend.
I'm also going to contradict myself, one last time. I'm giving this to the new year. We should be having Halloween and Christmas parties together, where I'll muse over this more. I'm asking for your thoughts on our relationship, or really any commentary. Advice included. I don't know where to go at this point, short of preparing a speech to type to her in January. Years later, we're still getting along, but I can't help but feel that she's just pulling the light out of my life and saving it for herself. Would it be better to just cut it off, for the sake of my mental health? Am I really going to let my insecurity end a long friendship without giving her a chance?
(And yes, I'm going to type it and show it to her. I don't care what one of you might think, I'm not good with my words on the spot. It'll be easier for me to rehearse what I want to say, so I send to her just what I think, nothing more or less.)
I'm sorry this is so long, and thank you if you're still reading this. Again, I implore to leave your thoughts, ideas, and advice. I really do not know where else to go from here. I don't want to just have to cut her off too, but if push comes to shove, I'm not going to continue making myself miserable so she can thrive.
