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Post by dellgal on Sept 1, 2016 13:07:52 GMT -5
My best friend's boyfriend asked me for help in getting her back while they were broken up. I talked to him and gave him advice, based on knowing my friend for so long. He would say bad things about her and I would stand up for her. I knew some of her quirks and that she could be mean at times, but I still told him how to get her back. We ended up talking about her and how she was on some things. Then, the conversations turned into things not related to them and we ended up talking and having fun. Somehow, we ended up sleeping together a few different times, sometimes at my place, sometimes at his house. I felt guilty and I wanted to tell my best friend to clear my conscience and let her know it was over. But he insisted not to and said he would if they ever got back together. He ended up not telling her. So, I ended up telling her long after they got back together and even got married. He lied to her and threw me under the bus. She ended up calling me bad names and blaming me for "being easy." Never mind the fact that:
1. I felt guilty enough to tell her. He didn't.
2. He tried to tell me she cheated one time when he wanted to hook up, but I was done and I stood up for her.
3. I apologized a million times and told the complete truth. All he did was was lie to both of us and play both of us.
She was so rude and so hurtful and I wanted to apologize in person and make it up to her and clear the air, so we could both get closure, but she's iced me out.
She told me that I was "easy" and he knew that he'd let me have sex once they were broken up and he's done a lot to make it up her. I just don't get how I get blamed for allowing it to happen, but he's getting off scott free for being the root of all this. I've tried to make this right. How can I get my best friend back? I feel horrible and I hate that I'm so much more disposable than him. He was never gonna feel guilty or tell! My actions should mean something!
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Post by Gina99 on Sept 1, 2016 13:52:42 GMT -5
'how she was on some things'
What does this mean?
So she can be mean at times and he lies and you slept with someone's boyfriend. This is a mess.
'but he's getting off scott free'
They are married. There is a whole lot more at stake and you don't know that he is getting off scott free. You don't know if she is making him suffer for what he did.
And he is not the root of all of this. Both of you are equally guilty of doing something that wasn't cool.
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Post by dellgal on Sept 1, 2016 17:21:54 GMT -5
I get that I was in the wrong. I just don't get how he's more forgivable than I am. Since we both did the same thing, why am I the only one getting heat for it? Yes, she said that she was mad at him at first, but since then she said he's made it up to her and he is "disgusted with himself." I want to make it up to her, too. I've never gotten women like this. The woman is wrong, yes, but somehow, the woman's the prostitute and the man "just made a mistake and it's the woman's fault for tempting him." I bet he didn't tell her that he told me she tried to kill him. Or that he lied and said she cheated. Or that I stood up for her when he talked about her. Or that he recruited me to help him get her back and I counseled him and it started out like that, but it was a trick for something physical to happen. He's lied and manipulated both of us and made us both look like fools and even though I hate what I did while they were broken up, I still deserve to say my peace and what really happened, not just his version.
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Post by Ask Anon on Sept 2, 2016 2:37:33 GMT -5
You were both equally in the wrong.
But she's with him, and to make it work, you have to be excluded. It's quite possible that in the future, if she falls out with him, she can be friends again. You can be flattered that if she felt more hurt by you, it's because she had higher expectations of you. But this isn't about sexism; it's all about trust.
Life isn't fair; relationships certainly aren't fair. She could never be friends with both of you: She chose him.
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Post by Gina99 on Sept 2, 2016 12:09:22 GMT -5
Again you don't know what is going on in their marriage, who is blaming who etc.
And why do you want to be friends with her if she tried to kill him and isn't forgiving and has other problems?
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Post by dellgal on Sept 2, 2016 15:02:53 GMT -5
Again you don't know what is going on in their marriage, who is blaming who etc. And why do you want to be friends with her if she tried to kill him and isn't forgiving and has other problems? Valid point. She's been crazy for years, actually. Maybe I'm better off. |
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Post by dellgal on Sept 2, 2016 15:03:41 GMT -5
You were both equally in the wrong. But she's with him, and to make it work, you have to be excluded. It's quite possible that in the future, if she falls out with him, she can be friends again. You can be flattered that if she felt more hurt by you, it's because she had higher expectations of you. But this isn't about sexism; it's all about trust. Life isn't fair; relationships certainly aren't fair. She could never be friends with both of you: She chose him. I suppose. I'll just have to move on. |
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Post by Ask Anon on Sept 2, 2016 16:59:24 GMT -5
I'll just have to move on I'm afraid so. My best friend's boyfriend asked me for help in getting her back Only you and he will ever know who used who: initiating these things is never exactly 50%, though the betrayal is 50%, as you are both consenting adults. But you move on with the knowledge that either (A) in some sense, it's justice or (B) you and she have both been shafted by the same bloke. In more ways than one. The fact he approached you "for help" may be a clue; surely he should have been approaching her? On the other hand, you could (and maybe should) have said "What kind of creep are you?". I can't be sure, as I don't know the details of their breakup. But I suspect you do. Something to think about as you move on ... Good Luck! |
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Post by hellokitty91 on Oct 23, 2016 11:14:08 GMT -5
you can only chalk it up as a learning experience and move on. There's no getting a friend back after this. Doesnt really matter how close you guys were or how long you've been friends for.
If you're a glutton for punishment then I would stick around and try to be a better friend, but she will make your life a living hell.
I also don't think you guys were truly friends but you may be in denial about it. It sounds like it was something else. Either a friendship of convenience or familiarity. True friends aren't even interested in the slightest in their friend's significant other.
I've had really one best friend in the past 6 years and I can tell you this has never been a problem. We dont communicate with each other's boyfriend's/significant others privately. I dont even have her boyfriends number. It's just not appropriate. There isn't anything me and him should be chatting about that doesn't involve her being there. If they have problems then I console and comfort her. Im a friend to her before Im a friend to him if that makes sense. And he understands that so he never solicits me for help or advice on how to solve problems with my friend.
Its sounds here like you could be a people pleaser and you just wanted to be nice and liked so you decided to help the boyfriend out. Unfortunately it backfired because he had another plan and wanted sex from you.
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Post by dani185 on Nov 7, 2016 7:18:17 GMT -5
In sorry but this is typical girl code. You do NOT sleep with a friends former flame... ever. I would probably call someone nasty names also if they did that with my recent ex. Thats wrong not just on your part... but his also. If you were tryin to help him get her back... how did that transpire to him sleeping with you?? You could have been a support to him without doing anything physical. Obviously she has valid reason to not trust either of you. Youre friend is probably seriously hurt and upset and thats something you and him are going to deal with considering you created this situation.
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Post by Ask Anon on Nov 7, 2016 9:19:37 GMT -5
"typical girl code" is about people as property. That's just as wrong as when men treat women as property. Sure if there's a chance of them getting back together, then it's not OK. But once it's obvious that isn't going to happen, life goes on. How can you justify such a dog in the manger approach? Just askin'  |
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